My position at work requires me to introduce architectural
changes to a large project, and I encountered a series of setback around early
2014. The change initiative that my team started ran into increasingly strong
resistance from several "under the table" forces. Our project could
not move forward because of one force and could not go back due to another. We
were stuck. I was directly criticized of leading the cross functional teams of
many developers into a quagmire. I felt
devastated by the email attacks, for they became too much to endure especially
when sent to large distribution lists. I felt those emails shattered my
reputation my identity into pieces.
我的工作职位需要我为一个大型的项目引入一个结构上的改变，但我在2014年初经历了一系列的挫折。我的团队开始的改变遇到了几股桌面下的力量的阻挡。因为一股力量我们的项目不能向前，因为另一股力量我们不能退后，使得我们进退两难。有人直接指责我将一个拥有许多开发人员的跨功能团队带入了困境。我因为Email上的攻击痛苦不堪，特别是发送到很多收信人的Email让我无法忍受。我觉得那些Email摧毁了我的名誉和自我认同。
Worse yet, over time, I lost balance. I began to make more
mistakes in the panic situation. I tried to take the matter in to my own hands
out of desperation, but only made matters worse to add guilt to injury. The
direct consequences were stress, then sleep disorder, then depression
eventually anxiety disorders. I suffered
depression before but this was a lot worse, lasting some 1.5+ years. I battled the
dark mood futilely. In my distress, I began to withdraw more and more to
myself, to hide my pain and shame, invoking familiar defensive mechanisms along
the way.
I felt the poet prophet Jeremiah was writing when inside my head, for he said in Lamentations 3:
I did manage to do one thing right: I kept attending church and weekly prayer meetings.
I felt the poet prophet Jeremiah was writing when inside my head, for he said in Lamentations 3:
14 I have become a joke to all my people, the object of their song of ridicule all day long.15 He saturated me with grief, made me choke on bitterness.16 He crushed my teeth into the gravel; he pressed me down into the ashes.17 I’ve rejected peace; I’ve forgotten what is good.18 I thought: My future is gone, as well as my hope from the Lord.
I did manage to do one thing right: I kept attending church and weekly prayer meetings.
更坏的是，一段时间后我失去了平衡。我开始在恐慌中犯更多的错误。在绝望中我开始用自己的方法来解决问题，但只是将情况变得更坏，使自己更加内疚。直接的后果是紧张，然后失眠，然后抑郁，最后是焦虑症。我以前有过忧郁症，但这次更加严重，超过了一年半。我与黑暗的情绪争战但毫无功效。在愁苦中我越来越多躲避到自己的世界，来隐藏我的痛苦和羞耻，并且用熟悉的方式自我保护。但我有一件事做对了：我坚持参加教会聚会和周间祷告会。
During this time I went to see many specialist doctors;
sought a dozen or so tests to root cause the problems. Nothing helped. I felt
so much pain and disgrace yet I could not shed a tear for I just hid in my
shell. In retrospect, Ezekiel 11 was written for my situation: "I will take the stony heart out of their
flesh, and will give them a heart of flesh (11:19, KJV)".
这段时间里我许多次去看专科医生；做了十几次检查为了找到问题的源头。什么都没有用。我感到许多的痛苦和羞耻但我没有办法流一滴眼泪，因为我把自己藏在一个躯壳里。回顾起来，以西结书11章就是对我很好的形容：（我要）从他们肉体中除掉石心，赐给他们肉心。
My heart was hardened like a stone by inner fears. The more I
worry, the more life seemed to be falling apart. I felt I could not hold down
the job and started to envision a new job somewhere else, with less stress. But
from past experience I instinctively knew that there were lessons awaiting me
before I ran away from the troubles facing me now. Besides, I was in no shape
to interview anywhere.
我的心因为内中的恐惧像石头一样坚硬。我越担忧，我的生活就越来越四分五裂。我觉得我不能继续当前的工作，开始想象在别的地方开始一个新的工作，有少一点压力。但从我过往的经验我马上意识到在我从麻烦中跑掉之前这里有我要学的功课。另外，我的状态使我完全没法去任何地方面试。
I felt trapped in the harsh relational conflicts, as if in
bondage to fears: the fear of more failures, the fear of work place bullies
like those in a school playground. I long for restoration of peace and order,
but where is it?
我觉得我在严酷的人际关系的冲突中被困住了，就像被惧怕捆绑：惧怕更多的失败，惧怕在工作场所被欺负，就像在学校操场上被欺负一样。我盼望重拾平安和秩序，但哪里有呢？
Around that time, I got help from a church deacon who cared
my wife and me immensely. She shared her struggle with depression episodes and
her road to recovery. She highly
recommended that I go to London to attend Pierrepont MicroNETS-1 (Never Ever
The Same program, Micro version).
大约哪个时候，我从一位教会执事那里得到了许多帮助，她热心地关怀了我和我太太。她和我分享了她在忧郁症中挣扎和康复的路程。她强烈建议我去伦敦参加Pierrepont
MicroNETS-1活动（永远不再一样）
On a side note, my wife consistently diagnosed that my
problem is rooted not in chemical imbalance nor childhood trauma, but in
structural problems in my spiritual belief. Something wrong with my spiritual
life, she believed and she was prepared to arrange child care so she can go to
London with me.
另外提一下，我太太坚持认为我的问题的根源不是化学不平衡或者童年的伤害，而是我属灵信仰中的结构性问题。我的属灵生活有了问题。她相信了这个建议，然后就安排了我们孩子的看顾，这样她可以和我一起去伦敦。
I did not believe her but there was nothing to lose. Besides,
I knew I came out a better man each time I heeded her advise.
我当时并不相信她，但是我也没有什么好失去的。另外我知道我每次听她的建议都非常受益。
Once I stabilized the sleep disorder with anti depressant, I
had enough strength to travel to Pierrepont, London for the 9 day MicroNETS
program. I went to Pierrepont hoping to get healed of depression and
anxiety, to sleep without
anti-depressant. And I came back full of hope, exhausted but of great spirit.
我用抗抑郁的药物帮助我控制了失眠后，我就有了足够的力量去伦敦的Pierrepont参加9天的MicroNETS活动。我去了Pierrepont希望能够医治我的抑郁和焦虑，可以不用抗抑郁的药就能睡觉。我回来的时候满有盼望，非常疲惫但是精神非常好。
The time at Pierrepont brought cleansing and restoration to
my inner being. I dropped the antidepressant Rx drug, Rameron 30mg, that I had
been dependent on over the prior 90 days since 5/16/15. I now sleep rather
well. Praise the Lord for this healing.
在Pierrepont的时间使我内在的自我得到了洁净和修复。我不再需要抗抑郁的处方药Remeron，从15年5月16日开始我有90天的时间都依赖这个药。现在我睡的很好，感谢神的医治。
Moreover, at the MicroNETS site, Pierrepont, the Holy Spirit
bestowed on me joyfully. In one instance, hardly 10 seconds into worship time
at 9:45pm, a sense of joy fell on me so strong that I could hardly hold back tears for ~30 minutes. Before the trip, I had not been able to shed
a tear for more than 1.5 years, and not for the lack of trying. But on that
day, for the first time in 1.5+ years,
my heart softened, as if turning from a heart of stone to a heart of
flesh (Ezekiel 11:19). Those tears were
better than strong medication, able to wash away in 30 minutes the shame
anguish fears accrued over 1.5+ years...
另外，在Pierrepont圣灵赐予我喜乐。有一次9:45pm的敬拜开始不到10秒钟，一股强烈的喜乐充满我，我有30分钟不能止住眼泪。这次旅程之前我有一年半的时间不能流泪，并不是我没有试过。但在那一天，一年半的第一次，我的心柔软下来，就好像将一个石心变成了肉心。这些泪水比强效的药还要有效，能够在30分钟内洗去聚集了一年半的羞耻，苦闷和恐惧。
Perhaps more profoundly, from Pierrepont trip I began to
understand spiritual dynamics. Human relational conflicts at work or elsewhere,
I believe, reflect spiritual dynamics as explained in 2 Corinthians 10:4-5:
"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to
the pulling down of strong holds; Casting down imaginations, and every high
thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into
captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ"
也许更奇妙的是，因为Pierrepont的经历我开始理解属灵的层面。人际关系的冲突，不论是工作场所还是别的地方，都是属灵争战的表现，就像哥林多后书（10:4-5）所讲的，“我们争战的兵器本不是属血气的，乃是在神面前有能力，可以攻破坚固的营垒， 5 将各样的计谋、各样拦阻人认识神的那些自高之事，一概攻破了，又将人所有的心意夺回，使它都顺服基督。”
George always taught us that the first step to maturity is
self-awareness. I now understand that our self-awareness must include spiritual
awareness. That is, be aware of the spiritual warfare around us, and with that awareness yield to the small
still voice from the Spirit (1 King 19:12).
朱正中弟兄经常教导我们成熟的第一步是认识自我。我现在明白对自我的认识必须包括属灵的认识。我们必须意识到我们周围灵界的争战，通过这样的意识才能听到神微小的声音。
This last part is to me the most valuable takeaway. Although
current job related people problems persist even deteriorate in some ways, I
can now face them from the spiritual angle.
I'm learning to anchor my peace on believing "greater is
he that is in you, than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4)".
最后的这部分是我最宝贵的得着。虽然现在工作中的人的问题还在，而且在一定程度上更坏。但我现在可以从一个属灵的角度来面对。
我在学习将平安扎根在相信，“（小子们哪，你们是属神的，并且胜了他们；）因为那在你们里面的，比那在世界上的更大。“
In closing, I would like to share this verse to encourage those
who may be suffering dark moments like I did:
2 Cor 1:3-4: Blessed
be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and
the God of all comfort;
Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able
to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves
are comforted of God."
最后我想分享一段经文来鼓励和曾经的我一样正在经历黑暗的时刻的朋友们：
林后1:3-4：愿颂赞归于我们的主耶稣基督的父神，就是发慈悲的父，赐各样安慰的神！ 4 我们在一切患难中，他就安慰我们，叫我们能用神所赐的安慰去安慰那遭各样患难的人。
My pastor assigned us to each write down a short testimony during his sermon at 4S Ranch. I wrote the following in response.
My position at work requires me to introduce architectural changes to a large project, and I encountered a series of setback around early 2014. The change initiative that my team started ran into increasingly strong resistance from several "under the table" forces. Our project could not move forward because of one force and could not go back due to another. We were stuck. I was directly criticized of leading the cross functional teams of many developers into a quagmire. I felt devastated by the email attacks, for they became too much to endure especially when sent to large distribution lists. I felt those emails shattered my reputation my identity into pieces. Worse yet, over time, I lost balance. I began to make more mistakes in the panic situation. I tried to take the matter in to my own hands out of desperation, but only made matters worse to add guilt to injury. The direct consequences were stress, then sleep disorder, then depression eventually anxiety disorders. I suffered depression before but this was a lot worse, lasting some 1.5+ years. I battled the dark mood futilely. In my distress, I began to withdraw more and more to myself, to hide my pain and shame, invoking familiar defensive mechanisms along the way. I did manage to do one thing right: I kept attending church and weekly prayer meetings.
During this time I went to see many specialist doctors; sought a dozen or so tests to root cause the problems. Nothing helped. I felt so much pain and disgrace yet I could not shed a tear for I just hid in my shell. In retrospect, Ezekiel 11 was written for my situation: "I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them a heart of flesh (11:19, KJV)".
My heart was hardened like a stone by emotional scars and inner fears. The more I worry, the more life seemed to be falling apart. I felt I could not hold down the job and started to envision a new job somewhere else, with less stress. But from past experience I instinctively knew that there were lessons awaiting me before I ran away from trouble. Besides, I was in no shape to interview anywhere.
I felt trapped in the harsh relational conflicts, as if in bondage to fears: the fear of losing more face, the fear of work place bullies much like school-yard bullies, and the fear of more failures. I long for restoration of peace and order, but where was it?
Around that time, I got help from a church deacon who cared my wife and me immensely. She shared her struggle with depression episodes and her road to recovery. She highly recommended that I go to London to attend Pierrepont MicroNETS-1 (Never Ever The Same program, Micro version).
On a side note, my wife consistently diagnosed that my problem is rooted not in chemical imbalance nor childhood trauma, but in structural problems in my spiritual belief. Something wrong with my spiritual life, she believed and she was prepared to arrange child care so she can go to London with me.
I did not believe her but there was nothing to lose. Besides, I knew I came out a better man each time I heeded her advise.
Once I stabilized the sleep disorder with anti depressant, I had enough strength to travel to Pierrepont, London for the 9 day MicroNETS program. I went to Pierrepont hoping to get healed of depression and anxiety, to sleep without anti-depressant. And I came back full of hope, exhausted but of great spirit.
I did not believe her but there was nothing to lose. Besides, I knew I came out a better man each time I heeded her advise.
Once I stabilized the sleep disorder with anti depressant, I had enough strength to travel to Pierrepont, London for the 9 day MicroNETS program. I went to Pierrepont hoping to get healed of depression and anxiety, to sleep without anti-depressant. And I came back full of hope, exhausted but of great spirit.
The time at Pierrepont brought cleansing and restoration to my inner being. I dropped the antidepressant Rx drug, Rameron 30mg, that I had been dependent on over the prior 90 days since 5/16/15. I now sleep well. Praise the Lord for this healing.
Moreover, at the MicroNETS site, Pierrepont, the Holy Spirit bestowed on me joyfully. In one instance, hardly 10 seconds into worship time at 9:45pm, a sense of joy fell on me so strong that I could hardly hold back tears for ~30 minutes. Before the trip, I had not been able to shed a tear for more than 1.5 years, and not for the lack of trying. But on that day, for the first time in 1.5+ years, my heart softened, as if turning from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 11:19). Those tears were better than strong medication, able to wash away in 30 minutes the shame anguish fears accrued over 1.5+ years...
Perhaps more profoundly, from Pierrepont trip I began to understand spiritual dynamics. Human relational conflicts at work or elsewhere, I believe, reflect spiritual dynamics as explained in 2 Corinthians 10:4-5: "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;
Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ"
George always taught us that the first step to maturity is self-awareness. I now understand that our self-awareness must include spiritual awareness. That is, be aware of the spiritual warfare around us, and with that awareness yield to the small still voice from the Spirit (1 King 19:12).
This last part is to me the most valuable takeaway. Although current job related people problems persist even deteriorate in some ways, I can now face them from the spiritual angle.
I'm learning to anchor my peace on believing "greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4)". It is true we have a superior God as Pastor Ray taught us.
Moreover, at the MicroNETS site, Pierrepont, the Holy Spirit bestowed on me joyfully. In one instance, hardly 10 seconds into worship time at 9:45pm, a sense of joy fell on me so strong that I could hardly hold back tears for ~30 minutes. Before the trip, I had not been able to shed a tear for more than 1.5 years, and not for the lack of trying. But on that day, for the first time in 1.5+ years, my heart softened, as if turning from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 11:19). Those tears were better than strong medication, able to wash away in 30 minutes the shame anguish fears accrued over 1.5+ years...
Perhaps more profoundly, from Pierrepont trip I began to understand spiritual dynamics. Human relational conflicts at work or elsewhere, I believe, reflect spiritual dynamics as explained in 2 Corinthians 10:4-5: "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;
Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ"
George always taught us that the first step to maturity is self-awareness. I now understand that our self-awareness must include spiritual awareness. That is, be aware of the spiritual warfare around us, and with that awareness yield to the small still voice from the Spirit (1 King 19:12).
This last part is to me the most valuable takeaway. Although current job related people problems persist even deteriorate in some ways, I can now face them from the spiritual angle.
I'm learning to anchor my peace on believing "greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4)". It is true we have a superior God as Pastor Ray taught us.
In closing, I would like to share this verse to encourage those who may be suffering dark moments like I did:
2 Cor 1:3-4: Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;
Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."
