My Testimony - short version

Last week I shared two of my experiences at SVLight. 
The first case was three jobs ago with a Satellite Communication company.  Technically I loved the project, but soon after initial honeymoon, I quickly ran into the problem relating to my immediate team lead. Back then there was plenty of jobs even in San Diego, so I naturally thought about changing job again. But my spiritual advisor asked me: what if in your next job, you ran into a even more demanding boss? Ran away from the job again?  Reluctantly, I knew I'd better deal with the inner me in this situation.  My little act of obedience led to another spiritual adventure. At that job, during lunch break, I invited a colleague to UTC fellowship a couple of times around Christmas. The second time she told me point black: I am not going to be interested in activities of the church. That was quite an rejection.

Then around spring time, Spring of Praise band was coming to CBC to perform concert, and I was a fan of Spring of Praise. Some how I again invited her and her family to the concert. This time, it turned out her husband was going through a challenging time. Her husband attended the first concert. At that concert the Holy Spirit got hold of him, and both his life and his wife's changed dramatically since that day. Looking back, I could clearly see that staying put in that job had a purpose all along.

Fast forward several years, in my recent position at Qualcomm, I came to a dark valley early 2014. The big change that my team initiated ran into fierce resistance from several "under the table" forces. We could not move forward because of one force and could not back out due to another. We were stuck. I was directly criticized of leading the cross functional teams of many developers into a quagmire.  I recall Mingxi shared that two members of his team asked to be relieved of the duties because email attacks became too much to endure. That pretty much described my situation.
Somehow I lost balance. I began to make more mistakes in the panic situation. I tried to take the matter in to my hands out of desperation, but only made matters worse to add guilt to injury. The direct consequence were stress, then sleep disorder, then depression eventually anxiety disorders.  I suffered depression before but this was a lot worse, lasting some 1.5 years. I battled the dark mood hard.  Futilely, it seemed. In my distress, I began to withdraw more and more to my little world to hide my pain and shame, invoking defensive mechanisms along the way. I did manage to do one thing right: I kept attending church and weekly prayers.

During this time I went to see many specialist doctors; sought a dozen or so blood / MRI / CT tests to root cause. Nothing helped. I felt so much pain and disgrace yet I could not shed a tear for I pretty much hid in my shell. In retrospect, Ezekiel 11 accurately portrayed me:  "I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them a heart of flesh (11:19, KJV)".

My heart was hardened like a stone that could by the fear within. Life seemed to be falling apart. I felt I could not hold down the job and started to envision a new job somewhere else, with less stress. But from past experience I instinctively knew that there were lessons awaiting me before I ran away from the troubles. Besides, I was in no shape to interview anywhere.
Thanks to chronicle insomnia and depressive mood, I seemed to mess up my work and family relationships time and again. I felt trapped in the harsh relational conflicts, as if in bondage to fears, fear of more failures, fear from to work place bullies like those in a school playground. My strength and hope got shattered in to pieces. I long for restoration of peace and order inside me.
Around that time, I got help from a church deacon who cared my wife and me immensely. She shared her struggle with depression episodes and her road of recovery. She highly recommended that I go to London to attend Pierrepont MicroNETS-1 (Never Ever The Same program, Micro version).   This is to seek spiritual cleansing and inner healing by the Holy Spirit. My wife insisted that my problem rooted not in chemical imbalance nor childhood trauma, but in structural problems in my spiritual belief. Something wrong with my spiritual life, she believed and she prepared to drop off the kids to go to London with me.
I did not believe her but there was nothing to lose. Besides, I knew I came out a better man each time I heeded her advices.
Incidentally, I went to see Dr Anchi from main campus to evaluate my neurological problems. I didn't know she had Psychiatry training, and she seemed to correctly diagnose my problem, and prescribed an anti-depressant. She told me she believe that I would benefit from the drug. I highly respect Dr Anchi, I took the prescription. It enabled me to sleep predictably with the drug. Once I stabilized the sleep disorder, I had enough strength to travel to London for the 9 day MicroNETS program. I went their hoping to get healed of depression and anxiety, being able to sleep without anti-depressant. And I came back full of hope, exhausted but of great spirit. The time at Pierrepont brought cleansing and restoration to my inner being. I dropped the antidepressant Rx drug, Rameron 30mg that I had been dependent on over the last 90 days since 5/16/15. I now sleep rather well. Praise the Lord for healing me.

Moreover, at the MicroNETS site, Pierrepont, the Holy Spirit bestowed on me joyfully. In one instance, hardly 10 seconds into worship time at 9:45, a sense of joy fell on me so strong that I  could hardly hold back tears for ~30 minutes.  Before the trip, I had not been able to shed a tear for more than 1.5 years, and not for a lack of trying. But on that day, for the first time in 1.5+ years,  my heart softened, as if turning from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 11:19).  Those tears were better than strong medication, able to wash away in 30 minutes the shame anguish fears accrued  over 1.5+ years...

Perhaps more profoundly, from Pierrepont trip I began to understaned spiritual dynamics. Human relational conflicts, I believe, reflect spiritual dynamics as explained in 2 Corinthians 10:4-5: "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;
 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ"

George always taught us that the first step to EQ is self-awareness. I now understand that our self-awareness must include spiritual awareness. That is, be acutely aware of the spiritual warfare around us,  and be ready to yield to the small still voice from the Spirit (1 King 19:12).

This last part is to me the most valuable takeaway. Although current job related people problems persist and deteriorate in some ways, I can now face them from the spiritual angle.
I'm learning to anchor my peace on believing that  "greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4)".