A Good Analysis of my Work and my Sluggardliness

From Rev. Tim Keller, the Proverbs talked about "diligence" in the context work and the positive heading of work, and "sluggard" in the negative heading.

https://podtail.com/en/podcast/timothy-keller-sermons-podcast-by-gospel-in-l/sluggardliness/


He summarized 4 "to-do"s:

1. I am to do my work
2. I am to love my work: like jazz musician John Coltrane
3. I am to re-narrate my work: like th UK abolish slave trade
4. I am to let God redeem my work, yes, even full time ministries cannot escape being littered with thorns. He has Shalon (interdependent peace) for our work 

Today I went swim at cove. 59F. Cold. Wavy.

Vain glory side of me: my brain and personality are my enemies

I am a sloth, and I cannot change

Yesterday evening, I wasted between an hour to two hours surfing the internet, especially Dick's sporting goods. No specifics, just wandered.

I am very disappointed about my laziness, irresponsible, lack of purpose, lack of focus.

People count on me to step up, the Holy Spirit in me, my Father, and Jesus, are grieved when I let them down, by hiding away from Duty and Honor.

I cannot change my heart. God, you can. I'd better let You.

I went for a music walk to the Shell Beach at La Jolla Cove.

And enjoyed different versions of O Come O Come Emmanuel. The Spirit reminded me:

- The question is: on the day of my last breath, is there Father to welcome me on the other side of death?

Soveraign Grace:

VERSE 1
O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear

VERSE 2
O come, Thou, Dayspring from on high
And cause Thy light on us to rise
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death’s dark shadow put to flight
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel

VERSE 3
O come, O come, true prophet of the Lord
And turn the key to heaven’s door
Be Thou our comforter and guide
And lead us to the Father’s side
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall by His word our darkness dispel

VERSE 4
O come, our great High Priest, and intercede
Thy sacrifice, our only plea
The judgment we no longer fear
Thy precious blood has brought us near
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Has banished every fear of hell

VERSE 5
O Come, Thou King of nations bring
An end to all our suffering
Bid every pain and sorrow cease
And reign now as our Prince of Peace
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come again with us to dwell


Original words (vv. 1-2) translated by John M. Neale (1851). Music: Veni Emmanuel. Alt. and add. words (vv. 3-5) by Steve Cook and Bob Kauflin
© 2014 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)/Sovereign Grace Worship (ASCAP)

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JpvW9FU_Rg

 

父與子：圍爐講書的樂趣

今天開車上班，想兒在找他的命定，身份，呼召。渴望我有機會讀＂Hudson Taylor传＂，因为他的名字是这样子来的。

奇迹般，我想起幼时在老家海窝子，久违的温暖，是爸爸圍著火爐讀＂鋼鐵是怎樣煉成的＂，一對一给我聽。

好難忘。融恰的父子相處時間。感謝爸爸

I have a mission, and that is to Nourish Father-Son Dynamics in the Heart of Father-God

Due to illness (a common cold) I did not attend Sunday worship. Our weekly prayer meetings have not happened since mid November. I knew that I long to worship. Why not dedicate morning commute for it?

I had two options:

A. Worship using the YouTube recording of Pastor Tim youth sermon on Book of Joshua that Tay recorded for me

B. A sermon titled The Evil of Envy in Podcast App

I sensed strongly everywhere I turn a voice has been reminding me: work on the Evil of Envy. Focus on the Family, Renovare, and Gospels in LIFE by Rev Tim Keller

I selected B. and it changed the course of my week: 

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/timothy-keller-sermons-podcast-by-gospel-in-life/id352660924?i=1000444886179

The above sermon hit me hard during minute 31 to 33, I also watched recent movies. The actor is about to fall into some abyss. God did not grab hold of the hand of Jesus in his darkest moment. He stretched his hand for help but God forsook him.

I understand what has happened to me since the fateful 1993 New Years conversion to Christ . I knew His hand lifted me out of falling several times: including uplifting interactions though  Uncle John who is a Father figure to me. I cried mystery tears as recorded here (http://soulzeng.blogspot.com/2016/06/uncle-john.html)

I felt pain for Christ. Such agony, unfairness. I wanted to protest on His behalf, but ended up crying for him. Cried and cried. Cry hard into wailing. I cried so much, more than ever before. My tears spoke poignantly the love of Father-God. Such crazy love. No, I don't deserve. I can only let me tears speak for me. Such profound emotion.

=====

1. What is Envy?
1. Wanting some aspect of other people's lives
1. Weep over the fact you don't have what others have 
2. Begrudge what they have. Being unhappy at other people's happiness.
1. When people above you are weeping, you are happy
2.  Why do I must deal with envy and see it in myself?
1. Because it hides itself because it is so humilating
2. Because it sucks joy out of your life. It leaks joy, drains joy. Of all you can do, envy is an vacuum pump of joy.
3. Because it poisons sociologically and psychologically
4. Because if you understand what you envy, you understand your heart. 
1. Envy might be the greatest wall-shot of all. Learn what you envy, and you will learn who you are.

==============

Why? Father son relation is important to me.

From Nov 5, 2019

星期六孟韜帶垂樂去UCSD參加Open House。垂樂隨便

晃晃，孟韜和招生的人談了，對於選什麼科系比較有機

會有一些概念。星期一一早，父子兩個又去UCSD旁聽

兩門課，讓垂樂感受一下。現在他知道UC上課，不是他

想的這麼簡單，和社區大學程度不一樣。他也比較有興趣

到好大學上課。問題是，你有意願去，還不知道能不能

進得去呢。

書逸

How Do You Respond After You Sin? This May Be The Greatest Test of Your Spiritual Maturity

I came to Ellel Pierrepont yesterday for the Healing Camp via AA 108 LAX to LHR. Doug Green of Fox Taxi drove from airport to the Lord['s Address at Pierrepont.

I have been here less than 30 hours, and the Holy Spirit granted one of my prayers already: tears of relief came out tonight during the PR (Personal Request) session of today's Healing Services.

In this PR session, Paul Watson and Amanda (Mandy) Moat ministered to me. My request is to enable emotional level forgiveness, that I can stop condemning myself at head level and gut level for my recent mistakes, the decision in the last 12 years to purse the outward glory of Silicon Valley job at higher priority than family and inward devotional life. One thing led to another, I back-slided in my devotional life, dropped back into anxiety and depression.  I got stuck in self condemnation, in my mind, I believed that God can erase the debt of others but not my debt. My debt is too shameful.

(note: I didn't share with Mandy and Paul these details: 大概從去年九月我開始suffer Anxiety. 吃Anxiety drug 有些幫助但有高血壓、skip heart-beat 等副作用。我感覺自己從換工作到北加，作了錯誤的決策，情緒低落，不想見人，而且變成惡性循環，the more I feel weak and ashamed, the more I want to hide. The more I hide, the more I feel weak，anxious and ashamed. I became trapped in self condemnation.)

Amanda prayed the following that broke through the mental blockage at my emotional level:

“Jesus has gone ahead and paid the ransom for our sin before we committed them”. It is such a relief, I truly believed her prayer and my heart started to soften. Then Paul prayed for about 2 to 5 minutes. He indicated that God is pleased with me of who He is. I don’t remember the rest of the details, but after his prayers my tears came out. Aleiluah. Praise the Lord for the powerful tears that brought relief to me.

And this article from desiringgod.org gave this topic a thorough treatment:

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-devil-cannot-condemn-you

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Notes on Spiritual Warfare

My notes from the sermon "Spiritual Warfare on Earth" by Derek Prince

The List of Weak Points

1. Pre-natal
2. Pressures in early childhood (e.g. strife torn homes)
3. emotional shocks 
4. Sinful habits (e.g. masturbation)
5. Occult activities (e.g fortune telling)
6. Idle words (I did not mean it, but I said: I wish I were not born)

The list of Characteristic Activities:

1. Demons enticing us to do evil
2. Demons harass (e.g.  moment of weakness let the Spirit of Anger to come into a husband)
3. Demons defile and are called unclean (fill your mind with dirty and unclean thoughts)
4. Demons torture (e.g. athritus)
5. Demons compel and enslave, creating addiction. Any addiction is 99% demonic
6. Witchcraft (including 1) self-indulgence, rebellion)   I have been a slave to self-indulgence, slave to stomachs
7. Demons make weak or sick: e.g. migrain

Steps to Receiving Deliverance:

1. Affirm faith in Christ : Christ is the High Christ of our confession
2. Humble ourselves: humble yourself under the mighty hand of God. Humility is a decision. Let dignity go, get deliverance. One woman so broken hearted => so in love with Christ. She is Mary Magdalen
3. Confess our sins: bring something dark out in the light in the open with all its embarassment. "Prov: he who confess his sin and forsake it will receive mercy"
4. Forgive others who sinned against you. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling
5. Break with the occult and all the false religion including objects related to occult or superstition
6. Prepare to be released from all curses in your life, and enter into the blessings of Abraham, because on the Cross Jesus has been made a curse
7. Expel demons: breath it out, blew out 4 times

List of my things to deliver from:

1. Fear of passing on depressions from my dad to my children
2. Self-indulgence

"You shall Expel Demons"