Due to illness (a common cold) I did not attend Sunday worship. Our weekly prayer meetings have not happened since mid November. I knew that I long to worship. Why not dedicate morning commute for it?
I had two options:
A. Worship using the YouTube recording of Pastor Tim youth sermon on Book of Joshua that Tay recorded for me
B. A sermon titled The Evil of Envy in Podcast App
I sensed strongly everywhere I turn a voice has been reminding me: work on the Evil of Envy. Focus on the Family, Renovare, and Gospels in LIFE by Rev Tim Keller
I selected B. and it changed the course of my week:
The above sermon hit me hard during minute 31 to 33, I also watched recent movies. The actor is about to fall into some abyss. God did not grab hold of the hand of Jesus in his darkest moment. He stretched his hand for help but God forsook him.
I understand what has happened to me since the fateful 1993 New Years conversion to Christ . I knew His hand lifted me out of falling several times: including uplifting interactions though Uncle John who is a Father figure to me. I cried mystery tears as recorded here (http://soulzeng.blogspot.com/2016/06/uncle-john.html)
I felt pain for Christ. Such agony, unfairness. I wanted to protest on His behalf, but ended up crying for him. Cried and cried. Cry hard into wailing. I cried so much, more than ever before. My tears spoke poignantly the love of Father-God. Such crazy love. No, I don't deserve. I can only let me tears speak for me. Such profound emotion.
I felt pain for Christ. Such agony, unfairness. I wanted to protest on His behalf, but ended up crying for him. Cried and cried. Cry hard into wailing. I cried so much, more than ever before. My tears spoke poignantly the love of Father-God. Such crazy love. No, I don't deserve. I can only let me tears speak for me. Such profound emotion.
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- What is Envy?
- Wanting some aspect of other people's lives
- Weep over the fact you don't have what others have
- Begrudge what they have. Being unhappy at other people's happiness.
- When people above you are weeping, you are happy
- Why do I must deal with envy and see it in myself?
- Because it hides itself because it is so humilating
- Because it sucks joy out of your life. It leaks joy, drains joy. Of all you can do, envy is an vacuum pump of joy.
- Because it poisons sociologically and psychologically
- Because if you understand what you envy, you understand your heart.
- Envy might be the greatest wall-shot of all. Learn what you envy, and you will learn who you are.
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Why? Father son relation is important to me.
From Nov 5, 2019
星期六孟韜帶垂樂去UCSD參加Open House。垂樂隨便
晃晃，孟韜和招生的人談了，對於選什麼科系比較有機
會有一些概念。星期一一早，父子兩個又去UCSD旁聽
兩門課，讓垂樂感受一下。現在他知道UC上課，不是他
想的這麼簡單，和社區大學程度不一樣。他也比較有興趣
到好大學上課。問題是，你有意願去，還不知道能不能
進得去呢。
書逸
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