I have been here less than 30 hours, and the Holy Spirit granted one of my prayers already: tears of relief came out tonight during the PR (Personal Request) session of today's Healing Services.
In this PR session, Paul Watson and Amanda (Mandy) Moat ministered to me. My request is to enable emotional level forgiveness, that I can stop condemning myself at head level and gut level for my recent mistakes, the decision in the last 12 years to purse the outward glory of Silicon Valley job at higher priority than family and inward devotional life. One thing led to another, I back-slided in my devotional life, dropped back into anxiety and depression. I got stuck in self condemnation, in my mind, I believed that God can erase the debt of others but not my debt. My debt is too shameful.
(note: I didn't share with Mandy and Paul these details: 大概從去年九月我開始suffer Anxiety. 吃Anxiety drug 有些幫助但有高血壓、skip heart-beat 等副作用。我感覺自己從換工作到北加，作了錯誤的決策，情緒低落，不想見人，而且變成惡性循環，the more I feel weak and ashamed, the more I want to hide. The more I hide, the more I feel weak，anxious and ashamed. I became trapped in self condemnation.)
Amanda prayed the following that broke through the mental blockage at my emotional level:
“Jesus has gone ahead and paid the ransom for our sin before we committed them”. It is such a relief, I truly believed her prayer and my heart started to soften. Then Paul prayed for about 2 to 5 minutes. He indicated that God is pleased with me of who He is. I don’t remember the rest of the details, but after his prayers my tears came out. Aleiluah. Praise the Lord for the powerful tears that brought relief to me.
And this article from desiringgod.org gave this topic a thorough treatment:
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-devil-cannot-condemn-you
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