Trip to Kennedy Space Center

Today i drove to KSC, with Dad, Taylor and Joseph.

A few onservations: Taylor seems to get carried away. O had to spend 20 min looking for him at Pad 39.

Orlando 靈糧堂

約伯

三位朋友

Eliphaz 以利法

主在苦難中與我們同在

James 5:11 the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful. 

But God does not have to explain to us.

啓示錄21:4

主要擦去我們一切的眼淚

我有兩個選擇：

躲避痛苦錯失與主见面的機會

或直面痛苦在其中見到主

主日學 約書亞記10:23，25

個人的，家庭到群體

23 眾 人 就 這 樣 行 、 將 那 五 王 、 就 是 耶 路 撒 冷 王 、 希 伯 崙 王 、 耶 末 王 、 拉 吉 王 、 伊 磯 倫 王 、 從 洞 裡 帶 出 來 、 領 到 約 書 亞 面 前 。

約 書 亞 對 他 們 說 、 你 們 不 要 懼 怕 、 也 不 要 驚 惶 、 應 當 剛 強 壯 膽 ． 因 為 耶 和 華 必 這 樣 待 你 們 所 要 攻 打 的 一 切 仇 敵 。 -约书亚记 10:25

何為我的五王呢？

SMMU training, Linux smmu map flows, vipul etc Mark G etc Taylor etc

約書亞24

15 若 是 你 們 以 事 奉 耶 和 華 為 不 好 、 今 日 就 可 以 選 擇 所 要 事 奉 的 、 是 你 們 列 祖 在 大 河 那 邊 所 事 奉 的 神 呢 、 是 你 們 所 住 這 地 的 亞 摩 利 人 的 神 呢 。 至 於 我 、 和 我 家 、 我 們 必 定 事 奉 耶 和 華 。

為神建造合一見證的壇

Dec 25 '14 Orlando

I am at the Starbucks near Sea World.

Reading an interesting book: Healing gor Damaged Emotions by David Seamands.

I have suffered fear, anxiety and depression since March 2014.

Upon some reflection, i could trace back to:

1. Richard G event of 2013

2. Vipul's and Qazi personal attacks of this year

3. My failure to meet the expectations from Azzedine, Halter, Min Guo and Mark G

I need to talk to my loved ones.

Body aches Soul aches

這7、8天早上醒來就覺得下體發麻發痛，睡眠也不足。昨晚睡得不好，但早上還是跑步兩英里象前兩天一樣。

昨天下午頭痛，不知今天會痛嗎。

神應許，日子如何，力量也如何。

聽kara Tippets 的訪談令我感動，我好象在夢中大哭。

我能哭出來嗎？

A big step forward, a small step back

Yesterday I was very energetic feeling good throughout the day.


And then I stayed until 7:20pm at work, without dinner, that proved to cause dumb headache similar to what happened two weeks ago Sunday when I delayed lunch.


Just like that Sunday, coffee was involved in both cases.


I am still a sick patient. God please heal me.

Possible turn around unexpected solutions

Last Friday i was in deep trouble and deprssed. 

I went to Bortz office he recommended Clomid to me.

Tuesday 8/9 i completed abdominal CT scan it was clean: no cancer. My sickness is in my head and the chimicals, endocrine system.

Clomid is working: my energy is recovering today even after the harsh fearful words from  Azzedine yesterday.

Today i focuses on S2 apeture for 5 hours that helpped too.

Listened to a talk by rev Tim Keller on Discovering God in the midst of pain and sufferjngs.

My present suffering is result of previous 3 years of disordered life work and coworker approval became Priority No 1.

No wonder i suffer. The suffering may magnify my faults especially:

1. Recklessness 粗心

2. Coward 膽小

God j am in deep trouble please vhange my heart. 

Del Norte High School Homecoming Night

Principle  Greg Mizel spoke 

This year theme: two seas

Sea of Galilee:  every drop of water comes in, 

Dead Sea

Me first and me most is a dead mentality.

Happy life is one centered around others.

Marc Ziegler. Algebra 3

Trimester system

Conlon mJ pre SAT

Katie Thompson

  Is AVID trained

Kill a mockingbird

Sunday

Galatians 2:20

    I have been crucified with Christ and i no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life i live in the body, i live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

1. I no longer live for myself. 

     Not think of yourself less, but think less of yourself. Rick Warren.

2. 

2 Tim 3:16 All scripture is God breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, connecting and training in righteouseness.

Carmel

Baal worshippers

Romans 3:   

   Application-general self-knowledge

Laws - 

   Romans 9: 

   Old testamont has 3 types of laws

       1. Civil laws

       2. Ceremonial law about sacrifice and temple

       3. Moral law

    Love God with all my heart soul strength and mind

    PMA salt lake city

Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God

Church

Pray for Fox News reporter Steven Sotloff in ISIS captive.

Stand firm on the promises of God

Strength flows to me as i wait for God's promises to come true.

"Everlasting God"

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

Small Set back from where to bounce back

R丶從八月二十四起吃了5天的D-Testosterol TS. 或許因為那五天沒有去健身房，效果並不好。前天開始，藥方規定我要停兩天. 但我馬上經歷一個溝渠trough: 相對低的男性荷爾蒙，下體有些發麻，沒有力氣，缺乏衝勁， 但工作還好.

我在心裡呼求，禱告耶穌： 在我一去不返之前，求你讓我力量復原.

我立志push: Push Until Something Happens.

今天我在健身房作squating. 與李弟兄Vinson 打兩小時五局壁球.

不知今晩低男性荷爾蒙是否將有進步.

昨天Vipul Gandhi 向我倒歉. 這是大的轉變。我要知道感恩.

(8/31: 昨晚及昨天下午睡了十小時，可能運動太累了.  

不知昨晚低男性荷爾蒙是否將有進步？答案：有進步，

再有今早：7：18走路0.8， 跑步1.2 英里.  不知今天低男性荷爾蒙是否將有進步？ 尤其晚上有poutluck.

  Answer: 不多，但 有些進步.

昨天丟了一串鑰匙，不知是否丟在健身房？）

Found keys in my racketball bag.

Pushups at 38

This morning i reached 38 pushups.

Is D-Testorol TS making a difference? Was 31 two days ago.

Reflections and Possible Turning Point

Yesterday was a day of follow up appointment with Dr. Bortz. I must admit he was good to me. He gave me a challenge that if my testosterone level does not improve by Nov, I should start using the topical cream.

Here is a quick summary of blood work results:

1. Cholesterol: total level is 200, normal is 199 or lower.

2. Vitamin D, 25-Hydroxy is 49 ng/mL (improved from 14.7 in 6/2014, and 23 in 1/2014), normal is 30 to 100.

3. Testosterone   Serum level is 304 ng/dL, same as 6/2014, was 472 in 1/2014, normal range 348 - 1197.

4. Free Testosterone (direct) is 4.2 pg/mL, was 6.1 in 6/2014. Normal range: 6.8 - 21.5.


This morning I ran for 8 minutes and walked to 4S commons for breakfast.

I put my feet on the bench, and completed 31 push-ups - that was a lot than two weeks ago, when I could only complete 20 (same feet-elevated push-up style).

I got the SMMU-based CPZ to work on my board Thursday evening, ahead of the Monday deadline! Praise the Lord, He answered my prayers when I sought Him earnestly.

Pastor lam sermon

4. 在悲傷時立刻禱告向神傾訴心情

多方的禱告

Pray with many prayers

1. 

2. 內容上： 敬拜，認罪， 感恩， 代求，（ACTS) 

Adoration

Confession,

Thanksgiving

Supplication

宣告，

 讀禱, eg Psalm 69

攻擊

2. 姿勢上： 開聲， 默禱， 開眼， 閉眼， 合手，舉手， 站立， 坐下， 躺下。

3. Pray in the Spirit

照着聖靈的意思禱告

   Seek His face not just His helping hand !

4. 堅持的禱告 pray with all perseverance

A. 在此警醒不倦！

B. 為何要不倦的求? 為何要等候？為何神不立刻回應？

禱告要PUSH:  Pray Until Something Happens

5) 具體的禱告 pray specifically

  這樣你才清楚知道神如何仔細地垂聽你的禱告.

你對神的信心及感恩之心亦會增加.

  JOFraser 在Lisu 族人的見證。

  得著口才，

6） 

7/31 disary

Very tired during the day. Swam 2050 ft lafitness 10pm

Lunch with He Yan. Rumor said reduce QCT 28k to 20k. Ignore rumor

7/27 sermon

1. 飢渴慕義的人

- 認識自己靈里貧窮

- 為自己心靈情況難過

2. 與主有密切關係的人

     憐憫人象主心腸

3. 為義被逼迫背後是撒旦的工作

  A. 嘲笑

B. 恐吓

C、辱罵

D 誹謗

E 斷絕關係

F 禁例

G 禁例

H 苦待

I   監禁

歡喜快樂 你們在天上的賞賜是大的

天堂是在淚眼中看得更清楚的

為逼迫我們的祝福禱告

3、 善待逼迫我們的人 以善勝惡

但求政治得體，不想冒犯人

  不是因犯罪而受苦的人

3. 好人為何受逼迫

Diary 7/27/2014

Writing HB CPAS Access Control requires understanding of Security Engineering : I have started reading the book by Ross Anderson plus secure boot and PIL code.

When reading secure boot, one question came up: why is it necessary to verify a chain of certificates?

Found an answer from msdn:

In order to perform a code signing operation, both private key and signer identification information must be supplied. The digital certificate used in the signature usually supplies the signer identification information, however. Thus, the private key must be supplied through some other means. Additionally, the signature must include the certificate chain for the cryptographic service provider (CSP), up to a root certificate trusted by the user, in order for the signed file to be authenticated. So in all, there are several items that need to be provided in order to generate a digital signature.

7/24 9pm: 游泳62 lengths at 4S LAfitness.

7/26: stayed indoor in the mornig: not good. 

played racket ball 1.5 hours at noon.

7/27: 5pm

游泳80 lengths at 4S LAfitness.

Diary 7/22/2014

昨天下午去Q游泳池游了40 length of 25 meters

今天：50 lengths.

I had to push myself but i felt very good.  My mojo hormone came back. My focus was good yesterday evening. My work output was good as i stayed  in the office until 10:40pm.

Today Vipul called me to complain about my doing the design for his team.

He wanted everything we talked to be held confidentially. He does not like me to represent him. He wants us to have agreement first, then file FR.

He asked how the two us can improve working relathionship, I answered that I would like to litsen to his suggestions.

Vipul said: stop trivilizing Linux design because you do not spend enough time. You are busy with other important things.

我生活的目標& 7 steps cartharsis

今天與potential future 4S Youth Pastor Woody Floto 午餐，談及垂喜垂樂需要正確的生活目標。

我自已呢？

這個元旦，六個月前我定的目標，到現在我能顧及的似乎唯有：如何保住在SWArch Team 的工作。

這六個月我變了好多：

0. 體力明顯降低。

1：從對工作信心滿滿到缺乏信心甚至於害怕完不成任務。

2：從drive SMMU and Access Control decisions 到only drive HoneyBadger AC and SMMU CPAS documents to closure.

3. Energy / hormon level 降低到正常值之下，due to minor depression.

對太太對兒子女兒對朋友教會我關心越來越少。

4：在SVLight 的責任我難以顧及

5：在湧泉的責任我難以顧及

我對自己失望又譴責.對他人羞愧又躲避。 對前面的路不確定。覺得好像每人都在嘲諷譏笑我。

我好苦，誰能救我脫離這取死的身體?

這是 over reaction, due to lack of inner conviction and peace.

照過去的經驗，七步療法曾起到carthartic 效果讓我回到光明寧和。

過去有類似 over reaction 嗎？

Cartharsis definition:

3. A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit.

4. Psychology

a. A technique used to relieve tension and anxiety by bringing repressed feelings and fears to consciousness.

b. The therapeutic result of this process; abreaction.

1. 我感覺很害怕，對自己失望又譴責.對他人羞愧躲避。 對前面的路不確定。覺得好像每人都在嘲諷譏笑我。覺得好苦。

2. 難道就沒有感恩的地方嗎？當然有，只是我把暫時的困難片面放大，受阻擋，看下到我多被愛，天父和媽媽爸爸無條件愛我. 家庭就是要同心共渡難關.

3. 過去類似的over reaction 是游泳隊事件，跟現在比那份憂鬱害怕非常接近，尤其想對人羞愧又躲避. 王二小故事就是例子.

4. 回到那一個夏天. 我想把平安和價值建立在別人對我的幫助上：那時我象垂樂一般大. 當温教練拒絕幫助我，我就失去

平安和價值. 那時的社會價值觀也鼓勵我們向外尋求價值.

5. 重新安排那一個夏天：我從那件事學到正的生活是內心生活. 苦和甜，成與敗，被接受與被接納，都不影響我的內心價值，我在爸媽眼里的價值，我在耶穌眼里的價值. 就象我的座右銘：苦和甜來自外界，堅強則來自內心來自那住在我裡面的.

6. 我需要求智慧，來選擇正確價值觀和對事情的態度：暫時的退步是神所允許發生的，相信也是最終對我有益的.

7. Go swim

Did 20 lengths LA fit plus one length no breath

My weight s 150lb today: 3 pounds more than a month ago

Encouraged after sync up with My Boss

My boss gave me much better feedback than I expected. 

1. I need to improve communication. 

2. I need to focus on Istari.

What was i expecting?

I was expecting that he would tell me that i am not a fit for SW arch and i need to find another job within Qcom.

After sync up with my boss, i feel much relieved.

I can still finish the Istari SMMU access control projects that i help to start, and in the process bring food on the table for my wife and family.

My prayer answered!

等待結果

這周可能有對我不利的決定下達。

Kent已經離開。

PJ已經離開swarch.

下一個是否我？

在7/18之前應該有答案。

(Follow up 7/20: the answer is here: praise the Lord, 我不是下一個馬上要被迫離開SW Arch 的人. AT told me Monday he has plans for me to complete CPAS AC and to work on SMMUv3）

Meanwhile i shall keep my head up with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.

I shall focus on my commit to:

1. Audit HB AR Access Control

2. sign off HB CPAS SMMU and Access Control.

#1 is within sight.

#2 will be tough without help from Igor.

Moved to Silver Pine

工作和住家大有變化.

主耶穌我要尋求你

身體每況愈下我好苦。工作快不保，與人關係不順。

耶穌救我。

靜靜等候主賜予憐憫與平坦之地

上周FARB SMMU SW POR did not get approved. I need to pre-review with Allan.

I trust God will lead me to 平坦之地。

詩123

1 〔 上 行 之 詩 。 〕 坐 在 天 上 的 主 阿 、 我 向 你 舉 目 。		1 Unto thee lift I up mine eyes, O thou that dwellest in the heavens.
2 看 哪 、 僕 人 的 眼 睛 怎 樣 望 主 人 的 手 、 使 女 的 眼 睛 怎 樣 望 主 母 的 手 、 我 們 的 眼 睛 也 照 樣 望 耶 和 華 我 們 的 　 神 、 直 到 他 憐 憫 我 們 。

詩119

141 我 微 小 被 人 藐 視 ． 卻 不 忘 記 你 的 訓 詞 。		141 I am small and despised: yet do not I forget thy precepts.

回信給柏菖

丨台南來信

今天收到菖弟的信,我很珍惜. 弟掛念我,寫信問候鼓勵我，減輕我的孤獨情緒。

謝謝你的信帶來沛津俊發等朋友們的近況。

聽說你六月有希望回家，我很高興。我也見到了孔姐，轉達了你的問候。她很高興聽到你的消息，同樣要我轉達她的祝福。

我想用今天的故事与弟共勉。今晨早上六點醒來，睡覺很多但仍有身體反應，不祥預照的反應。症狀是下體和肌膚緊繃。

我里面的人感覺危險孤獨恐慌害怕大禍臨頭。

你是否覺得這反應與現實脫節？

我想是的。因為我的潛意識目前被情緒蒙蔽了。但我的情緒是中立的，它很可能想告訴我一些信息。什麼信息呢？

1。我作了令別人失望的行動：在工作中太過陶醉自我世界而忽略與別人的溝通和互動。

2。當不和諧的人際關係發生時候沒有意識到問題之嚴重性，忘記孤身奮戰是不會成功的。

3。沒有說不：結果被迫作太多工作，犧牲家庭，犧牲工作的質量，犧牲自已的信譽。

所以眼下這情緒或許要警告我：繼續下去會通向危險重重的內心境界。

當我把這些話勇敢地說出來，我的內子對此講了兩句忠言逆耳的實話。1。別太相信感覺2。不要沈迷過去。

我信賴她，向來重視聽從她嘴唇講出的話。所以送孩子們去初中上裸後，我特別選擇一個安靜的星巴達來讀每日省身的書，也一并學聖經。

正如弟所說，當我默默呼求耶穌的名抓住他的應許時慈愛的天父就來與我同在。今天這個關係重大的時刻，主的同在改變了事情的結局，我一天反復思考學到的詩篇51章的話：

7 求 你 用 牛 膝 草 潔 淨 我 、 我 就 乾 淨 ． 求 你 洗 滌 我 、 我 就 比 雪 更 白

 求 你 使 我 得 聽 歡 喜 快 樂 的 聲 音 、 使 你 所 壓 傷 的 骨 頭 、 可 以 踴 躍 .

最後用范老師的話與弟共勉：

在風雨中確信彩虹的來臨

在平靜中接受艱巨的桃戰

在禱告中真心悔改，坦承自己有限有罪，大膽尋求神的幫助。

沒有一個深淵是神的愛所不能及的，耶穌能將失敗轉變為榮耀

Day after day

His presence is visible with me day after day even though i do not deserve.

How do i commit to His No. 1 commandment, love Your God, witha United Heart?

Today prayers:

1. Bear SMMU SW POR change: let it be approved cleanly.

2. Istari DAP FARB: let it close

3. Get me help to progress in HB CPAS SMMU

4. Let me mend fences with Vipul

Fighting the Amygdala Fears

早上六點醒來，睡覺很多但仍有身體反應，不祥預照的反應。症狀是下體和肌膚緊繃。

我里面的人感覺危險孤獨恐慌害怕大禍臨頭。

這反應是否與現實脫節？

我的潛意識目前被情緒蒙蔽了。

但我的情緒是中立的，它很可能想告訴我一些信息。

什麼信息呢？

1。我作了令別人失望的行動：當初沒想到把SPIDER蟲給Sudeep 和 Colin講。

2。當Vipul 和Sudeep要用2-stage 時候沒有意識到是不會成功的。

3。沒有說不：結果被迫作太多工作，犧牲家庭，犧牲工作的質量，犧牲自已的信譽。

Anything else?

Oh, the "Critical Heart" in me is trying to condemn but he can only use the above list of facts.

The "Critical Mind" in me 說：我憑血氣作事情，自然而然卷進了職場旋渦，越卷越深。工作成了我唯一重心遠超過了教會和家庭。

這情緒或許要警告我：繼續下去會通向內心的死亡

Return from Setback of A Failed Change Initiative

My immediate boss and I have championed a new framework of doing Qualcomm security architecture since 1.5 years ago.

In the last 4 weeks, it became clear our effort has failed in the current family of products. I am swimming in the large gap between old framework and new framework.

I feel what I need right now is to return to draw from God inner strength, and regain the courage to get back into the race again.

In the short term, I am assigned to work on the same framework but for the next product family, in an assistant role.

To me, this is an opportunity for me to focus my mind on pressing forward.

I'm so grateful that I received today the advices from George. He said: presently you need to assess the situation:

1. What damage done to me.
2. What options do I have for the next step
3. What are the consequences of each option to my career
4. What is the best option for me to move on
5. What specific actions to take

He also said: "The best is for a small group like Wei Feng and I sit down together with you using white board to analyze the situation."

約伯記

今天讀約伯記第三章。

3:24: 我以嘆息代替食物，我唉哼的聲音如水湧出。25：我所懼怕的臨到我，我所驚恐的向我而來。

這可以來描述我童年那游泳隊事件。

正好一年前，vipul forced 2 stage translations and PJ took SMMU on 8094h: 所懼怕的臨到我.

Looking back, I failed to build consensus for the only right decision which was single stage for Content Protection.

But there is blessing in disguise, at least to turn my heart towards higher purposes.

I sense today's Wisdom for Today is not a cooncidence.

Last week, our offer to buy 17031 Silver Pine Road got accepted at 860K on 4/9.

Take Decisive Action

決定今天禁食，並化一小時禱告。禁食是從早上八點到晚上八點。

must take Shuyi's warnings seriously: 我不能忽略她的警戒，一天也不能。I cannot ignore her one more day.

根據motherTeresa, 她建議Henri Neuwen:

1: Pray one hour a day

2.Do nothing against 良知

今天我就照作。

Fasting: 

1. 2:43pm. Feels hungry and calmer.

2. 5:16pm. Feels less hungry, more relaxed due to steadier mind. My fear of Vipul is still around and i can sense it.

3. 5:30pm 開始靜心安排下一步該作的事情

4. 6-8pm: career discussion was positive. Good participation and i felt the good spirit. Sound system was a problem, but i praise the Lord Weifen came to the rescue.

8 to 9:30pm:  shuyi and i had an intimate dinner at RB sushi. I love her for who she is more than ever.

To do:

1。回信給台南的陳柏菖

2。報稅

3。準備女兒生日禮物： 高跟鞋

4。練習詩班復活節的歌曲

Shuyi: 現在就已經有點晚了。where Re you when taylor wants someone to kick soccer ball with?

今天的靈修講同一件事. 

以斯拉一 聽 見 這 事 、 "就 撕 裂 衣 服 和 外 袍 、 拔 了 頭 髮 和 鬍 鬚 、 驚 懼 憂 悶 而 坐 。"

Eara 9:

14 我 們 豈 可 再 違 背 你 的 命 令 、 與 這 行 可 憎 之 事 的 民 結 親 呢 、 若 這 樣 行 、 你 豈 不 向 我 們 發 怒 、 將 我 們 滅 絕 、 以 致 沒 有 一 個 剩 下 逃 脫 的 人 麼

In my case, the  行 可 憎 之 事 的 民 結 親, means to be caught in the 俗世旋渦。工作變成我生命，我活着的重心，壓住我不能動彈的巨石。

Isianh 26:13

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you

A Painful Struggle with Tender Spot: or was it an Amygdala Hijack?

3/31/2014 

My heart is in turmoil due to emotional pain from the Below The Line "trash talks" from Bear SMMU nay-sayers, attacking AT and me.

4/5/2014

My IPA==PA idea was trashed yesterday by Serag and Jason, worse, Halter did not seem to like it either. JM reprimanded me for putting a requirement that is not the POR.  I felt humiliated and embarrassed in front of Sr Directors and other colleagues.

1. I feel humiliated, cornered, discouraged, 恐怖，不安全感，自慚形穢， 慌亂, 心跳加快，腳底出汗。 as if something terrible is about to happen. 

2. 身體上感覺如下： 腳底發麻, 下體縮小， 面部緊張。覺得自己有罪禍，  似乎會遇到災難。我覺得想要找個洞躲避，又覺畏縮惊惶不能動彈。panic attack

From this paper:

http://www.clarionenterprises.com/blog/?cat=154

Perhaps  harmony is something you value deeply and you are surrounded by negativity and excessive criticism, this could also be a trigger. Know your emotional hot buttons.— Who are the corporate button-pushers in your life? Self-awareness precedes self-management.

3。 這樣複雜的不詳感覺是似曾相識的. 

比如我小時候游泳隊被抓住把柄，狼狽不堪。

4. 過去有類似的trigger 或 tenderspot嗎？

被游泳隊開除之事件, 被抓住把柄，狼狽不堪。被教育局朱幹事陪同回原學校，令我難以抬頭，在公車上幾天來的事讓我擔心而不能動彈。

頭一天我甚至向溫家傑教練下了跪求他留下我不要開除我但我被拒絕。我覺得受了奇恥大辱。天啦我還有甚麼臉見人？

聽見父親在咆哮：你這個畜牲，你又扙笨了。你只曉得闖禍. 除了岀洋相給我丟臉你還會做啥子？This was an Amygdala Hijack.

今天2014年的羞恥之感與那事情很相似.

當初的恐懼戰慄，历历在目。我真的應該去死算了。活下有什麼意義呢？

我上輩子造了什麼孽，遇到你來收我俩的命。你這個孽賬。你去死算囉。我真的應該去死算了。活下有什麼意義呢？我是多麼骯髒多麼敗壞多麼無能多麼矮小的小學生. 

我象一個小孩一樣嚇哭了. 我該怎麼辦? 其實我才十一丶十二歲, 象樂樂一樣是不懂事的小孩. 那時比垂樂說不定小一點.

當時我完全嚇傻了完全不知道該如何對付。似乎不能思考不能面對現實了。

我好害怕好孤獨盼望有雙手牽我從龍泉驛小學門口走到中庁的教師辦公室。恨不得大聲疾呼爸媽快點來救我的命，因為我不知道我前面的路怎麼走我怎麼活下去。我的慌亂驚恐令我凍結住了，大腦內心完全被害怕的情緒不知所措的情緒所控制。對自已失去信心，只有害怕和自責。腦子一片空白。

你這個畜牲我要把你掐死. 看我不打斷你的腿。我使勁掐住我的脖子要擰下我的頭. 

5. 重新安排童年的amygdala hijack, a tender-spot.

我在校門口徘徊了一個小時我終於恢復了。腦子不再是空白。好象那些害怕的和害羞的感覺沒那麼嚴重了。我願意接受那個安排。從命運手裡從耶穌手裡接受那個環境。我願意我願意因為耶穌全然良善祂的安排對我最有益處.

當我心态轉變為願意接受那個安排，我去，馬上去龍中找爸爸。那里最近。他聽我講述發生的事情，他就立刻帶我接妹妹下幼稚園然後一起去醫院找媽媽。商量該怎麼辦。

我們父子女三人一邊走，爸爸一邊說：我兒你冷靜一下。聽我說我愛你，不要怕溫家杰教練，他也有他的難處，我們感謝他仔細訓練你游泳。主允許這事發生一定有祂的美意。

無論怎樣，我都無條件接受你愛你。你是我唯一的兒。我會默默祝福支持你。相信上帝是信實的公義的。

妹妹這時握住我的手。我想好好抱住她，就把她背在我背上一起走

6。提醒我還會遇到tenderspot and or Amygdala Attack.

我要多寫周記，象在北大俄文樓114教室一樣

7. 去洗澡

Prophetic Warnings from my wife

What is your identity?

Why do you associate your identity with your work at this particular moment? You ignore things before and in the future, let alone family and others.

You await others to cater to your needs. You do not care about their needs, and you calculate what is there for you, in a selfish manner.

 

台南來信

今天收到菖弟的信,我很珍惜. 弟掛念我,寫信問候鼓勵我，減輕我的孤獨情緒。

謝謝你的信帶來沛津俊發等朋友們的近況。

聽說你六月有希望回家，我很高興。我也見到了孔姐，轉達了你的問候。她很高興聽到你的消息，同樣要我轉達她的祝福。

我想用今天的故事与弟共勉。早上六點醒來，睡覺很多但仍有身體反應，不祥預照的反應。症狀是下體和肌膚緊繃。

我里面的人感覺危險孤獨恐慌害怕大禍臨頭。

你是否覺得這反應與現實脫節？

我想是的。因為我的潛意識目前被情緒蒙蔽了。但我的情緒是中立的，它很可能想告訴我一些信息。什麼信息呢？

1。我作了令別人失望的行動：在工作中太過陶醉自我世界而忽略與別人的溝通和互動。

2。當不和諧的人際關係發生時候沒有意識到問題之嚴重性，忘記孤身奮戰是不會成功的。

3。沒有說不：結果被迫作太多工作，犧牲家庭，犧牲工作的質量，犧牲自已的信譽。

所以眼下這情緒或許要警告我：繼續下去會通向危險重重的內心境界。

當我把這些話勇敢地說出來，我的內子對此講了兩句忠言逆耳的實話。我信賴她，向來重視聽從她嘴唇講出的話。所以送孩子們去初中上裸後，我特別選擇一個安靜的星巴達來讀每日省身的書，也一并學聖經。

正如弟所說，當我默默呼求耶穌的名抓住他的應許時慈愛的天父就來與我同在。今天這個關係重大的時刻，主的同在改變了事情的結局，我一天反復思考學到的詩篇51章的話：

7 求 你 用 牛 膝 草 潔 淨 我 、 我 就 乾 淨 ． 求 你 洗 滌 我 、 我 就 比 雪 更 白

 求 你 使 我 得 聽 歡 喜 快 樂 的 聲 音 、 使 你 所 壓 傷 的 骨 頭 、 可 以 踴 躍 .

這話是真的，我這幾周來下體和肌膚緊繃，把我裡面的心靈骨頭壓傷破碎。

我內心一直喝求重新得力。當時我確定慈愛的天父已來與我同在，我得平安得安慰，心中加上了喜樂和感恩。外

在 環境依舊，內心我 得 了救 恩 之 樂 、 今天果真確有樂 意 的 靈 扶 持 我 。

你說我該怎樣報達賜給我奇妙幫助的貴人？我全天盼望與主互動。我巴不得馬上與弟及眾人分享那寶貴耶穌之十架救恩。

願意我們一起跟著耶穌緊隨耶穌。

a week in review regarding Delayed Answers

Today's devotion is about Hannah receiving delayed answers to her prayer for a son.

 "God wanted more. He wanted a man to deliver His whole nation from their moral corruption. So He allowed the daily agony to mold and shape Hannah, and withheld the answer to her prayers until He brought her into harmony with His desire. And through her son, Samuel, spiritual revival came."

Our house buying is a small example. We wanted in 4S Ranch, and bid for two houses to no avail.

We started to look elsewhere, now looking at 3545 Ryan Drive Escondido.

Perhaps the man upstairs wanted to use us to serve Youth retreat? Shuyi is excited. I'm not comfortable yet with a garage and drive way 50 feet away.

Other things in last week:

1. I drove Ling to flight back home on Monday evening.
2. I watched The Lego Movie with Taylor on Friday.
3. I found that my team made a mistake for SMMU.
4. I received a new idea for SMMU optimizations that gathered important momentum when presenting to upper management Wed.
5. I presented "NGO II: Pride and Consequences" to Wed Salt and Light. 

潔淨內在的我by put away the Gods my father served

潔淨內在的我

Now therefore, fear the Lord, serve Him in sincerity and in truth, and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the River and in Egypt. Serve the Lord! 

Joshua 24:14

Today i am turning 47.

I feel blessed this birthday comparing to last because:

1. My bond with Shuyi grew stronger in our common calling to begin 2nd half in 14 years.

2. My vision about career calling becomes more clear: it is about His big heart not about me.

3. My interaction to my dad becomes more meaningful.

Joshua saw how the hearts of God's children were turning away from Him. So he issued a challenge. When Joshua stood before the people, he gave them a choice. They could continue serving themselves, their intellect and their pleasures, or they could serve the Lord.

My father served false pride in career promotion and education status. I shall put them away!

In Deuteronomy, Moses asked, "What does the Lord require of you?" The first two requirements listed were that we fear God and serve Him with all of our hearts. So Joshua reminded the people of God's requirements: fear God (reverence Him), and then serve Him in sincerity and truth: serve genuinely.

Secret Things

The Wisdom For Today is the following:

Be joyful in the midst of today's trials and constructive critiques: for God is about to reveal His secrets about Homself and His love to me.

Meanwhile, is it not wise for me to keep the existing laws revealed to me to us already?

申命記29：

29 隱 祕 的 事 、 是 屬 耶 和 華 我 們 　 神 的 、 惟 有 明 顯 的 事 、 是 永 遠 屬 我 們 和 我 們 子 孫 的 、 好 叫 我 們 遵 行 這 律 法 上 的 一 切 話 。

朋友來信

禱上帝加強我的信心和智慧

前天收到信我好高興. 看郵章，信是去年12月2號寄出。這信足足走路48天才到，我感覺其重要。

菖弟，我很想念在台南一周的時間。我作的自我形象的講座，我也繼續改進以便更加幫助我們之間的溝通。

昨天我連續跑會議沒有吃午飯呼吸道似乎也染病到下午吃一包泡面覺得好難吃。一天因同事和時間的催促我進而手忙腳亂回到家感覺沮喪，自己開始懷疑我是否能勝任這份工作，不清楚我何時何方能走出現在的忙亂而且虧欠的任務越來越多。我似乎也開始了沮喪卑觀的自我對話。我今天

特別忙碌作工到晨二時，且開始流鼻涕确定是感冒了但我的責任放不下要咬牙作工且同步求信心智慧就如聖經說

5 你 們 這 因 信 蒙 　 神 能 力 保 守 的 人 、 必 能 得 著 所 豫 備 、 到 末 世 要 顯 現 的 救 恩 。

Prayer power and the power of positive thinking

Psalm 78:72 with upright heart he tended them, and guided them with skilled hand.

Sustsinable skills: eg planning, public speech

Nehemiah 1:4

Today's devotion is about Aaron standing b/w the living and the dead with incense and atonement.

Incense represents the prayer.

That reminds me of the book Power of Positive Thinking by Peele:

Altogether too many people are defeated by the everyday problems of life. They go struggling, perhaps even whining, through their days with a sense of dull resentment at what they consider the "bad breaks" life has given them. In a sense there may be such a thing as "the breaks" in this life, but there is also a spirit and method by which we can control and even determine those breaks. It is a pity that people should let themselves be defeated by the problems, cares, and difficulties of human existence, and it is also quite unnecessary.

 ... You can permit obstacles to control your mind to the point where they are uppermost and thus become the dominating factors in your thought pattern. By learning how to cast them from the mind, by refusing to become mentally subservient to them, and by channeling spiritual power through your thoughts you can rise above obstacles which ordinarily might defeat you. By methods I shall outline, obstacles are simply not permitted to destroy your happiness and well being. You need be defeated only if you are willing to be.

 

 

From Whence is that fire kindled in your heart? Certainly not some haphazard ideas !

Last night, I had hard feedback: go steady, not reacting often to haphazard impulses, as I sometimes do: be deliberate, have intentionality.

Remember AIR?
- Authenticity  Intentionality, Receptivity.

Being receptive so my inner fire can be kindled by the source that is pure and worthy, not alien and random.

Today's devotion is actually online at http://calvarychapel.com/

Is my heart burning as in Romans 12:11? And is my heart my inner man kindled to faith, grow warm to love, be set on fire for mercy?

11殷勤，不可懶惰；要心裏火熱...

Or is it today that in my meditation fire became inflamed, as in Psalm 39?

3我的心在我裏面發熱。

我默想的時候，火就燒起，

我便用舌頭說話。

4耶和華啊，求你叫我曉得我身之終！

我的壽數幾何？

叫我知道我的生命不長！

5你使我的年日窄如手掌；

我一生的年數，在你面前如同無有。

各人最穩妥的時候，真是全然虛幻。

6世人行動實係幻影。

他們忙亂，真是枉然；

積蓄財寶，不知將來有誰收取。

To the contrary, is my inner fire glow in the spectacles of the circus, in the contexts of horses, in the context of athletes?  T'is the so called "strange fire or alien fire".

Wisdom for Today

Strange Fire

Monday, January 20, 2014

Then Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, each took his censer and put fire in it, put incense on it, and offered profane fire before the Lord, which He had not commanded them. So fire went out from the Lord and devoured them, and they died before the Lord.
Leviticus 10:1-2

These two men offered strange fire to God. And their service came to a sudden end as the fire of God consumed them. What was the strange fire they offered? Their fire came from a source other than fire that was kindled spontaneously by God.

It could be that they were just excited and caught up in the emotion of the moment. It is quite possible that they had disobeyed verse 9 of chapter 10 where the Lord commanded, "Do not drink wine or intoxicating drink, you, nor your sons, when you go into the tabernacle of meeting, lest you die." It could be that these boys were a little tipsy and not in full control of their faculties. Or maybe they were motivated by the desire of bringing attention to themselves and to their ministry rather than bringing glory to God.

We may earn our living by doing other things, but the real call upon each of us is to serve the Lord.

The question is: What motivates you? From whence is that fire kindled in your heart?

God, help us to serve You with the true fire of Your Spirit burning in our hearts. May we know the joy, the privilege, and the blessing of being an instrument that You have used to minister to others.

Amen.

The following page touched my heart.

2 Timothy 2:22

Acts 2 fellowshipBerkeley

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteous faith love and peace along with those who call on The Lord out of a pure heart.

Do Gard Things (a book)

Acts 2:42-47

Tighter bond with those who are forgiven.

2014心意更新而晝夜思考靈魂真理

去年我再理順對內心最重要的思想基礎：

I am taken and chosen by God to be set aside for a purpose

I am blessed He loves me to the end

I am broken just like any human being

I am given to serve and love God and love serve others the way Jesus does

Now what shall I live, in the wake of this knowledge my belief of a friend who chose me, bless me, accept me the way I am broken and calls me to be part of a higher plan? 

The answer is: 心意更新而變化, to walk with God ( the way Eric Liddell walked in the plains of northern China and Olympic fields ).  Romans 12

如何心意更新而變化？

1. The change of my body 12:1 將身體獻上當作活祭

2. The change of mind 12:2 be not conformed to this world but transformed by the renewal of my mind

3. The burning of my spirit

2014 Challenges from Shuyi to Me

3 old habits she said that she observed in me:

1. Still is addicted to work

2. Still seeks appoval from others

3. Still interacts poorly negatively with my dad, just like my son interacts badly with me

The danger, she sees, is i will find emptiness after my son and daughter leaves home in about 6 years

Amazingly today's devotion is about sour relationships, and yesterday, no complaints in a bumpy ride journey across the desert.

2014 books for future taylor and tasty tracy

1. Books by Henri j. M. Nouwen

2. Don't waste your life John Piper

Compare to a year ago ...

Today is first day of 2014.

Comparing to 1/1/2013:

I feel less lonely, more grounded in His friendship and His influence His power to mould me

I feel i did a somewhat deep study of self image: the world pushes us to consider us losers unless we can prove our worth with good deeds but that is not true any more thanks to Christ who restored us  to His image.

I feel closer to my wife my daughter more ready to give me to them and to Taylor.

I like that we are enforcing parental contro on macs and the pc.

I am joyful taylor now loves swimming and even Taekwondo.

I feel more confident the 4S Spring group is following His steps and serving out of love.

I love it that, even though i do not deserve the grace, somehow Sterring assigned me the undisputed acess control, memory map and crucially the SMMU architect.