Time for Thanksgiving

Next week, there is a dinner to share thanksgiving stories at church: Chinese Bible Church of SD.

My 2008 story is rich in many aspects:

1. Jan/Feb/March: CCB conflict with a friend and colleague. Studying the book "Resolving Conflicts at work".
2. April/May: my self-righteousness and arrogance during the conflict above led to big setback during performance review with my boss. I dropped into deep depression.
   
3. During these dark hours, I took morning devotion seriously, utilizing a Christmas gift: "Wisdom for Today". My morning devotions convicted me of my total depravity. I admited to God and men my brokenness. Admission of my brokenness lifted my spirit up because I knew His presence and His love. He loves me hence He revealed His presence to me. I sensed His daily presence during every sweat hour of daily devotion for at least 10 days, every day. His clear and loving presence touched my heart. I became convinced that He care how I react to what happens to me. I was ready and eager to follow His words of wisdom. My submission to His words brought me immense peace and joy, Even though there was no change WRT the amount of bad news at work.
4. Then came the marriage class and consceling. During those sessions, I discovered how I have been addicted to work. The addiction was beyond repair.
5. Then came the layoff in July 24.
6. Then came the big auto accident on Aug 24. By that time I had been prepared by God to depend on him. The overflow of unconditional love from friends and family taught me one lessen: I have intrinsic lovability. I don't have to prove myself by my accomplishments.
7. Could it be this accident is necessary to rid me of my addiction?
   

I am going to jot down my story in Chinese.

我受苦是与我有益

那是一个很大的车祸， 发生在2008年8月一次去教会的路上。
我开车通过有绿灯的路口。被一辆半吨卡车高速撞在左侧。撞击前一刹那， 眼睛没看到但我脑海感到有一四方体飞过来，且有一个声音说：别怕，都安排好了。
然后我就失去了知觉. 醒来的时候, 觉得人轻飘飘的. 发现车子停在草丛中. 看见救火队员在外面. 我觉得呼吸有点困难,但不痛. 他问我, "能爬出来吗?". 我觉得有东西压著我动不了, 就回答"NO". 后来就不及得了.

过了不知道多久, 有人讲话的声音唤醒了我. 好象是救火队员之间的讲话:　＂.. cut his pants and shirts... （剪下长裤和衬衫）", 原来我是躺在急救车里．但很快我又失去了知觉．

再次醒来的时候，　就已经到医院．　我想起下午和邵万里弟兄的约定，不知如何通报他改期．我躺在推车上面．有人问我家里人呢，因为全家会了台湾，我想起了小组王迪贞弟兄，就把电话背出来．

后来我在加护病房，很快教会的林牧师，师母和弟兄姊妹就来看我．医生告诉他们我受伤很重，　断了七根肋骨，骨盆碎裂需要动大手术．听到这情况，师母建议通知内人．我正好记得，就给师母我太太在台湾的电话．

在加护病房的那几天，医院每次只让两人探访我．我的朋友向我抱怨：你们教会人太多，让我排队很久来看你，我以后也要去你们教会．

等骨盆的伤口流血减少以后，我进去手术６小时１５分中，其间主内６位弟兄姊妹全程在手术室外祷告．

大夫说手术很车成功．我相信与弟兄姊妹的恒切祷告很有关系．

手术后第二天就开始做物理治疗．两礼拜以后，我搬到康复医院．在康复医院５天以后我就出院回家．在加调养料不到两个月，我就蹴著拐杖上班．

今年的感恩节，我有好几项感恩的大事．

1. ４月份我在人际关系的风浪中经受圣灵的管教，破碎自以为是的老我．在大风大浪中我多次感受到圣灵在灵修时与我同在，我感受到主无条件的慈爱，这爱更加激励我信靠顺服他．诗119:71“我受苦是与我有益，为要使我学习你的律例。”．　４月份的奇妙经历也加给我内心力量来面对后来的危机．
2. ７月２４日我拿到解雇工作的通知单．８月２４日我撞车受了重伤．然而神的恩典够我用，救我从很危险的情况下存活下来，赐我第二生命活在心爱的家人和朋友中间，而神也赐我新的工作．
3. 撞车的那天，家里其他大人小孩都不在车里．
4. 住院三礼拜，包括康复中心，每天都有教会来的探访者，加上其它访客，还带来满屋子的鲜花，我能进食后，很高兴每餐都有弟兄姊妹送鸡汤等补品来．特别感动6位事务繁忙的弟兄姊妹为我的一个手术恒切祷告六小时，让我感动不已．我自问：＂我一个渺小不成熟的信徒，神为何如此器重我，万般疼爱我？＂　我的眼泪就会忍不住留下来．
5. 年初我们的家庭小组只有四五家人定期聚会，感谢主答应了祷告，今天已倍增了．我们还有热心的组员恢复每周三祷告会．众多祷告中，特别要提起Lynette 家的Mark Cooly。 六月份Mark 得了重病。他以为没救了。更我们大家诀别后他一个人回老家Montreal. 我们小组组员没有对他放弃。几个月以后，奇迹发生了。Mr. Cooley 的身心健康大为好转。特别腹腔里的肿块确定是良性。他的就了。一个家庭也蒙神怜悯渡过难关。

Career at Qualcomm Week 1 (Nov 3 - Nov 9): Learn to Tough It Up

Miraculously, I returned to work Monday in Qualcomm's building R (photo above). The first day was a bit challenging. First, the commute was bad due to minor rain fall. I-15 was jammed when I finished aqua-therapy around 8:15am. There was a car accident on I-15. There was also heavy traffic on Mira Mesa Boulevard. It took me about 1 hour to get to building S. More over, the first day had more than 8 hours of sitting in different meetings. My injured hip was very sour near the end. Thankfully, I endured through.

It turned out that my new job is very interesting. Even though I was given the option to work from home, I didn't work from home at all. It was fun in the office.

Road To Recovery: Week 9 (Oct 26 to Nov 2, 2008)

In order to go back to work, there were a few things to prepare in the last week before working again:

1. Combat the pain associated with long-time-sitting. The main factor was excercise of the hip mustles both in the pool and on the dry land. The other factors included massage (with the help of a friend, as well as a shiatsu foot massager) and a donut seat cusion.
2. Develope mental and physical endurance for 8-hours of office work. I was able to swim between 800 feet to 1200 feet none stop daily. I was also able to swim with one breath 25 feet daily.

Additionally, I met with friends from previous jobs for lunch twice, to get a feel of interactions with co-workers.

Peace Past Understanding

I was a bit nervous this morning, worrying about the doctor's visit: what if the X-ray shows that the fractures in the pelvis are not healing? Would I still be able to go back to work as planned? What if I will suffer long term arthritis from the injuries?

In the past 3 days, as if they talked to each other (they don't even know each other), my friends Joseph, Ping and Jessie reminded me, in different occassions, to pray more, so I did. I asked God to use me to glorify His own name (Phillipians 1:20) and to re-affirm my commitment to believing in Him.

I was close tears when, at around 4pm, Dr. Tonks examed my X-ray, asked me a few questions, then announced that I should be ready to go back work if I want to. I am free of the complications that I feared. How grateful I was!

At the end of the day, those prayes during the day helped greatly for me to experience "peace past all understanding" as in Phillipians 4:6-7:

• Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Road to Recovery: Hightlights During Week 8, Walking in the Pool

1. Today is the first day of Week 8. We went to see Dr. Tonks for 2nd followup. Just before that, a new pelvis X-ray was taken. It showed that everything is fine, although Dr. Tonks could not tell every status of the cracks in the bone, since the plates blocked his view. He said that during the surgery he fixed the cracks 100%, such that I just have to give it enough time, i.e. until end of Nov, before walking again.

Our annual Disney membership expires Oct 25, so we visited Disneyland and stayed at Grand California Disney hotel. We took advantage of handicap lines (really fast) at one of the rides, then the kids went on the rest of the rides with mom, and I spent most of the two days in Disney swimming pools.

1. 
   
2. Dr. Tonks said OK about walking in the pool, so I did just that tonight at LA Fitness. It was very awkward to walk. My left leg and left foot felt a bit painful. Nonetheless, I walked for about 10 minutes in total, and was getting better towards the end.
   
   

He also assured me that I won't have arthritis, because the both-column acetabulum fractures distributed energy of the impact well such that the inside wall was not damaged, and the bone fragments were large.

However, he asked me to stretch the muscles for moving left leg backwards while keeping upper body straight.

For the most part, I stopped using the walker and the wheel chair: I use crutches that Will Shao lent me most of the time, in preparation to going back to work.

Acetabular Joint

The picture here is in Chinese that shows the acetabular bone.

I took a closer look at the report Dr. Tonks wrote about my surgery. One thing struck me was how the human pelvis functions. Acetabular joint looks insignificant on the X-ray, but its sophistication can only be appreciated in a 3-D model like this one. From Dr. Tonks' report, one of the worst part of my injury was the both-column acetabular fracture.

see this link for more background in Chinese:

http://waike.hxkang.com/diedasunshang/yyzl/46594.html

see this link for more background in English:

http://www.hss.edu/conditions_14420.asp

Road To Recovery: Highlight During Week 7

During week 7, foot-massage has been added to PO (Physiotherapy), besides swimming:

1. Around Oct 7, we bought a Shiatsu Foot Massager with heat. It helped to relieve pain of my foot on the injured side.
2. Oct 11, Ms. Zhang gave me one massage session. The outcome was mixed. While I felt relief immediately afterwards, my upper left leg turned at night to be more painful. Waken up by pain in the middle of the last night, I switched to differ postures, even thought about taking one NORCO (pain killer). After about 20 minutes, I fell asleep again.

The other highlight of Week 7 is that I spent more than 15 hours working on Taylor's go-cart. I learnt how to use spade bits to drill holes for galvanized flanges, half-inch in diameter. We also used 6.5amp drywall screwdriver to finish the front and back axles of the go-cart. The go-cart manual is at:



Today for the first time since A-Day (Accident Day), I drove a car.

Road to Recovery: Week #6

This is week 6 since the accident. I have started exercising in the swimming pool since Sept 27, 2008 (a week ago).

At first, I did some mild stretching in the hot tub at LA Fitness. Slowly I have added some breat-stroke, although I feel a little bit painful at the left pelvis.

Yesterday I swam 600 meters, mostly breast stroke. Afterwards I felt mussle-aches at both left and right pelvis. Why right pelvis? I don't know.

Physiotherapist, Katie Mason, came today because Barbara is sick. Barbara is my normal PO. We figured that it is OK for me to start bench press and other work-outs as long as there is a trainer with me.

More on Accident: X-ray Images

The most complex injury consists of the extensive left hemi pelvis fractures:

1. Fracture through the left iliac crest


2. Distraction of the more lateral fracture fragment and up to approximately 2.2cm of displacement of the peripheral fracture fragment anterior medially.


3. A comminuted intra-articular fracture complex involving anterior, middle and posterior thirds of the left cetabulum with small displaced fracture fragments seen.


4. Fracture lines extend to the articular surface both superiorly, medially, anteriorly and posteriorly.


5. The widening of left hip joint compatible with effusion/hemarthrosis.


6. Fractures of the left superior and inferior pubic rami


7. Left inferior pubic ramus fracture is angulated approximately 144 degrees using 180 degrees as a straight line reference.

The fracture was so complex it took two separate operations.

1. The first operation was to do an open reduction and internal fixation (ORIF) of the posterior aspect of the acetabular fracture and the iliac crest. Incision made Kocher-Langenbeck in the posterior aspect of the pelvis and carried down through skin and fascia. ... the external rotator
2. The second operation was an ORIF of both-column acetabular fracture, left hip, and pelvic fracture, anterior pelvic ring, using plates and screws, accomplished through an anterior approach, ilioinguinal. See: http://www.wheelessonline.com/ortho/ilioinguinal_approach_to_the_acetabulum

For back ground information, see paper below:

Reduction and Internal Fixation of Acetabular Fracturesthrough the Kocher-langenbeck Approach. Tips and Tricks.

FRÉDÉRIC LAUDEClinique des Lilas - 93260 Les LilasHôpital de la Pitié - 75013 Paris - France

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.maitrise-orthop.com/corpusmaitri/orthopaedic/mo74_fractures_cotyle/fig5.jpeg&imgrefurl=http://www.maitrise-orthop.com/corpusmaitri/orthopaedic/mo74_fractures_cotyle/index_us.shtml&h=225&w=300&sz=9&hl=en&start=15&um=1&usg=__Bu62FnPvjDwRfkfAL9FHKVylyyc=&tbnid=Ey_Eql11-9VwJM:&tbnh=87&tbnw=116&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dacetabular%2Bquadrilateral%2Bplate%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rls%3Dcom.microsoft:en-us:IE-SearchBox%26rlz%3D1I7GZEZ%26sa%3DN

This X-ray was dated Aug 24, 2008. It shows 7 broken ribs.
This X-ray was dated Sep 2. It showed the pins, plates and screws still in my body. Total weight according to Dr. Tonks: about one pound.

I received over 90 staples to close the incision (or surgical cut).

The other party of the accident

The other party drove a green Ford F-150 XLT truck, 1997 model, that looks like the one left.

Photos after Car Accident Aug 24, 2008

The accident took place 8:58am Aug 24. There was a report on San Diego Union Tribune at:

http://weblog.signonsandiego.com/news/breaking/2008/08/seriousinjury_accident_in_rber.html

The email below documented some details too:

> Date: Thursday, August 28, 2008, 2:52 PM>
I just heard that the surgery went well with Mengtao. He> went into the operation room at 3:10 pm PST. His doctor came> out at 9:20 pm announcing a perfect surgery. Mengtao is very
> tired and back to room 408B.
>> He is expected to stay in the hospital for another week to
> clean his lung. It'll take another 3 months before he> could walk again. Total mobile recovery is expected to take
> 6 months.
> So it's going to be a long battle for Mengtao and his
> family.
> My husband said that some one from our church already got
> Mengtao an iPod with lots of music on it. So we need to
> think of something else to help him and his family through.
> This time, I'm thinking about something practical. I
> have some ideas:
> 1. A gift basket plus a collection of dinner gift cards to> relieve his family from some cooking burden
> 2. A get away vacation package for Mengtao's family to
> have a nice vacation after total recovery.
>> What do you think? Your ideas are also welcome.
> Meanwhile, can some one remove Mengtao from
cs82_reunion@yahoogroups.com temporarily so that he will not
> see all these messages.>> Ouyang


Subject: RE: ??: RE: [cs82_reunion] RE: prayers and support> for Zeng Tao>>>

So sad to know both two news. Pray for Zeng Tao and hope him to recover soon.>> Best wishes to you all,> Peihong Shen @Vancouver

Pray and best wishes for Zeng Tao!
>> BTW,remember Prof Zhang Shilong ? The former head of
> our Computer Dept, Peking Univ. He just passed away on
> Aug. 25, after realized his dream - watching the 2008
> Beijing Olympic Games. A simplest mourning ceremony as
> he expected will be held tomorrow morning. I'm so sad
> about his passing away. God bless him!
>> Pingjie Zhao>>

: Wed, 27 Aug> 2008> > 11:40:41 -0700Subject: [cs82_reunion] RE: prayers

> > and support for Zeng Tao> >> >> >> >> >


Hi Ouyang, I am so sad to hear the news. Just> > talked to your husband (Zhu Quan) this morning and

> > knew a little more details. Hope Tao can recover

> > soon. ( I also added cs82_reunion@yahoogroups.com> <mailto:cs82_reunion@yahoogroups.com>> > group email to the reply list),

Zhiguo>



> > Dear all,>> > On Sunday,> > August 24 at around 9:00 am, a driver who failed to
> > stop at a red light ran into our dear classmate,>

> Zeng Tao (also known as Mengtao and Thomas) causing'
> serious injuries. As you can see from the following

> news report that the car ran into Mengtao's car

> > right at the driver's position

Mengtao was rushed to Scripps Memorial Hspital and stayed in ICU for two days. He was finally moved ut of ICU this morning. When my husband went with> > some other people from our church to visit the> > hospital this morning, Mengtao was in good spirit.> > He's now waiting for second opinions from doctors> > from our church whether he should undergo pelvis> > surgery.> > Mengtao's wife and two children> left for> > Taiwan last week and Mengtao was scheduled to fly> > out to Taiwan today. Now the plan had to be changed.> > The family are coming back this Friday. Mengtao said> > that he did not want to alarm his father and sister> > at this time. So please help keep this from them.>> >> > The direct line to his room is (858)626-6458. But my> > husband said that Mengtao was still weak in talking> > and had difficulty with breathing due to punctuated> > lung. He's also taking a lot of pain medicine. So> > phone call is probably not a good idea. > >> Nurses> > said that we can send flowers but no soup, fruits,> > or other food. If you're interested in sending> > flowers or cards, the address for the hospital is> > 9888 Genesee Avenue, La Jolla, CA 92037 and Mengtao> > is in room 408B. > > I'm thinking music> would not be> > a bad idea. (My husband said that Mengtao mentioned> > that his first thought when he regained conscious> > after the crash was "what happened to my> iPod") So,> > I'm wondering if some of you may be interested in> > joining me to get a iTune collection for Mengtao.> > I'm not familiar with iTune at all. But I imagine> > there could be a way to set up a common collection> > then each one of us can select and pay for one or> > two songs to be included in that collection. If you> > are interested in such token of love for Mengtao,> > could you please let me know? If there are enough> > interest, I will explore the possibility.> > For> > some reason, I was not able to find my final> > distribution list of emails from our reunion. So if> > you happen to have one, could you please forward> > this message to that list? Thanks.> > In any> case,> > please extend your thoughts and prayers for Mengtao> > and his family.> > Ouyang>

Hearing Sound of Whispers in Morning Devotions

2008.4.20週日
連續第八天，靈修時神的話臨到我。靈修用的是Wisdom for Today by Chuck Smith，2008年全年，每天一篇。前八天的事情記載如下：

1. 四月十三日 約伯七章17節 -人算什麼，你竟看他為大，將他放在心上。
   “耶穌變成了人的樣式，以便神可以將我們塑造成祂自己的性情。因此上帝培養和操練我們，他容許磨練和失望的事情，因為他知道，唯有磨練和失望可以預備我們進入永生。像約伯一樣，我們會遇到損失和失望。可是每一次的損失，其實是神的美意的一部分。”
2. 四月十四日 呼求有一個中保，約伯記九章33節 我 們 中 間 沒 有 聽 訟 的 人 、 可 以 向 我 們 兩 造 按 手 。
   今天靈修的主題是，耶穌是人和神中間的橋樑，是中保。正好因為與老闆的衝突，我在工作中間正急需找一個橋樑，中保。這一天我已經事先約好跟一個上級共進午餐，這個上級在午餐的時候同意來做調停的工作。
3. 
   四月十五日 虛無 + 虛無 = 虛無 約伯記十三章31節 他 不 用 倚 靠 虛 假 、 欺 哄 自 己 ． 因 虛 假 必 成 為 他 的 報 應 。
   我內心潛意識的期盼是找別人來肯定我，來表揚我是能幹的好人。第二是靠提職稱加薪來增強自尊。這兩樣其一是今生的驕傲，其二是眼目的情慾。加起來都是虛空。若我繼續照這個潛意識的老我播種，失望，空虛和痛苦也必成為我所結的果子。
4. 
   四月十六日 賞 賜 的 是 耶 和 華 ． 收 取 的 也 是 耶 和 華 約伯記十九章25節 我 知 道 我 的 救 贖 主 活 著 、 末 了 必 站 立 在 地 上 。
   這幾天的經歷告訴我，祂沒有離開我，雖然我不知道明天會發生什麼事情，可是我要靠信心等候。
5. 四月十七日 我深深感受到神的話臨到我。”雖然我沒有親眼見過神，但是我可以感受到祂的同在和對我生命的影響。＂＂我聽見他微小的聲音，和祂大能的手在我身上作工。＂

Fighting Depression

I am not depressed, but I used to, for a rather long time.
Two things helped me more than others:

• Psalm, e.g., 164 and 90, 91.
• Follow the advice of consuelors to study Psycological books: Your Child's self esteem, Celebrate Yourself, Resolving Conflicts, Our Families of Origins

My favorate depression-shield used to be Pslam 143:8. Now I like better Psalm 90 and 91, partly because I have grown to know the hearts of darkness in myself and in others.

詩 90:15 求你照著你使我們受苦的日子和我們遭難的年歲，叫我們喜樂.
詩 91:1 住在至高者隱密處的，必住在全能者的蔭下。
詩 91:2 我要論到耶和華說：“他是我的避難所，是我的山寨，是我的 神，是我所倚靠的。”
詩 91:3 他必救你脫離捕鳥人的網羅和毒害的瘟疫。
詩 91:4 他必用自己的翎毛遮蔽你，你要投靠在他的翅膀底下。他的誠實是大小的盾牌。
詩 91:5 你必不怕黑夜的驚駭，或是白日飛的箭；

詩 143:7 耶和華啊，求你速速應允我！我心神耗盡，不要向我掩面，免得我像那些下坑的人一樣。
詩 143:8 求你使我清晨得聽你慈愛之言，因我倚靠你；求你使我知道當行的路，因我的心仰望你。
詩 143:9 耶和華啊，求你救我脫離我的仇敵，我往你那裡藏身。

Colio Extra Dry Helps Dad to Sleep

Today dad prayed a touching prayer for my sis who is under a lot of stress.

1. 
   

Wine Type:	White
Brand Family:	Colio-Varietals & Blends
Tasting Notes:	An excellent very dry wine made from a blend of vinifera and hybrids. It has a delicate and fruity fragrance, with a clean elegant light taste.

Mar 24, 2008 Suffering vs Cry for Help

The cry for help from Ling sadden me, caused me to reach deep into my heart.

Will the God of Salvation help us to come out of the crsis-mode conflict this time? Will He prove to be faithful? Will He be capable?
Lord, in my troubles I call to You, because dozens of times in the past You answered my pleas. I will continue to count on no one but You.

Thoughts on "Homeschool Fathers"

• What are our spiritual goals for Tracy and Taylor?
1. Form a habit to spend daily quiet time for spiritual things
   
2. Choose to believe and be saved
3. Form the habit to obey authorities on earth out of respect to God
4. Write Bible verses in hearts
5. Form the habit to tithe, to understand that it is not about "me/my glory" but "His Glory"
6. Develop a kind heart, like a disciple of Jesus
   

我信主的经过

我信主的经过

• 序

耶穌說： “聖靈的力量， 讓我門為罪，為義， 為審判， 自己責備自己。” （約16：8）
當初我的父子關係和人際關係長久陷入死胡同，唯聖經的教導，聖靈的力量， 最終帶領我出黑暗入奇妙光明。

• 信主前:　

我出身在一個黑五類的家庭。父親在1958四川中學的社教運動（又稱五八劫）評為三類落後高中生而不能上大學。
母親家裡，外公在政治運動遭遊街批鬥， 她和外婆有時得靠撿河裡漂下的菜段過活。母親小時有一次黑夜從外公挨批的場地走好幾里路回家。 一人走在田埂，四周黑漆漆一遍，好孤單無助。

父親二十於年在社會底層掙紮， 每逢政治運動備受排擠歧視。 他被迫膽小過活， 心中滿有委屈。心靈的創傷，生活的艱難，政治環進境的惡劣，留下刻骨銘心的烙印。受了太多不公正待遇的 父親不知道健康的方式來處理人際關係。
在我長大濄程，我同樣沒學會何謂健康的方式來處理人際關係。感謝上蒼， 我有機會擺脫爸爸的命運， 遇到可以憑成級考大學而如願以嘗，不像父親被“黑五類”的身份剝奪進入大學的夢。

然而命運的改變僅在教育的層面。在人際關係上面， 我繼續活在父輩受膣酷的困境，像在死胡同打轉。

原來從十五歲左右，我就開始於父親疏遠， 感情方面漸行漸遠。 一邊怕他， 一邊隱約渴望他的溫情，渴望家光明寧和的氛圍。我如此的內在需要哪裡可能從父親得到？ 他掙扎在“黑五類”的恐怖陰影下，在我映像中是惶恐不安的氛圍居多。

上大學， 出國留學就業， 我選擇走自己的路， 於父親漸行漸遠。 信都很少跟父親通。走自己的路， 卻不知道健康的方式來處理人際關係，於同學，導師， 同事特別異性朋友，關係問題越集越大。

夜深人靜， 我的心苦苦尋索： 家光明寧和的氛圍在哪裡？ 我的苦惱，被我壓抑心裡，帶來不時的抑鬱失眠。

窮則思變。我的苦苦尋索引我接觸教會，接觸聖經。 特別1992父親節， 我聽了難忘的一篇道（sermon)。麥榮禧牧師選弗6：1 －4 來提醒兒女父母的健康像處之道。

6:1 你 們 作 兒 女 的 、 要 在 主 裡 聽 從 父 母 、 這 是 理 所 當 然 的 。
6:2 要 孝 敬 父 母 、 使 你 得 福 、 在 世 長 壽 ． 這 是 第 一 條 帶 應 許 的 誡 命 。
6:4 你 們 作 父 親 的 、 不 要 惹 兒 女 的 氣 、 只 要 照 著 主 的 教 訓 和 警 戒 、 養 育 他 們

對我走出父子關係和人際關係長久陷入的死胡同， 正須這篇父子健康相處之道。我的心馬上起了共鳴。我思考：雖然父親無意中管過嚴，忽視了溫情， 可我何嘗未曾違背人倫，這第 一 條 帶 應 許 的 誡 命呢？

聖靈為罪，為義， 令我自己責備自己。很快我打電話請父親原諒我的反叛。不久他也告訴我他對過去對我嚴格偏多，溫情不夠的反思。

• 信主後

這以後， 我們父子關係開始走出死胡同。在我信主後，我父母妹妹先後信主。
而當我解開了原生家庭之死結後， 其它人際關係慢慢也變得健康多了。

我夢中渴望光明寧和的家的氛圍，信主後在我於爸爸的相處中終於找到享受到了。被自己父親悅納，實在幸福。被自己天上的父親悅納，同樣幸福。我時常在靈修和危難中親身感受天父的同在。上帝所賜，超過我心所想 。

Lessens in Humility

Life is a long lessen in humility.
------ James Barrie

I also think it is a devine mechanism to purify hearts so wretchs like me can be broken hearted; Wretches like me can make a u-turn.

Enough is enough though, it is high time for me to focus on:

Practice mercy, embrace compansion, walk with the Holy One in humility.

"To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God" Micah 6:8

Joe Dassin: Et Si Tu N'existais Pas?

My favorate Valentine's song is Joe Dassin's Et Si Tu N'existais Pas? What if you don't exist?

Et si tu n'existais pas,

• "Et si" What if
• Eg: Et si on parlait d'amour ? What if we talked about love?
• tu : you
• n'existaias pas: do not exist

Dis-moi pourquoi j'existerais ?

• Pourquoi: why
• Dis-moi: tell me
• j'existerais: short of Je Existerais : I exist?

Pour traîner dans un monde sans toi,

• Pour: for
• Trainer: to pull/drag/wander
• Dans: at
• monde: world
• Un: a
• Sans: without
• Toi: you

Sans espoir et sans regrets.

• Espoir: hope

Et si tu n'existais pas,
J'essaierais d'inventer l'amour,

• essaierais: the future tense (Je form) of essayer - to try
• J'essaierais: I will try
  
• to create love
  

Comme un peintre qui voit sous ses doigts

• comme: since/as
• peintre: painter
• voit: the second person singular form of voir: to perceive with eyes
• sous: from latin subtus; below/under
• ses: singular, its/his
• doigts: fingers
  As the painter sees under his fingers
  

Naître les couleurs du jour.

• couleurs: colours
• du jour: of a day
• Naitre: to be born
  

Et qui n'en revient pas.

• revient: returns
• n'en revient pas: does not return
• Et qui: and which
  

Et si tu n'existais pas

Dis-moi pour qui j'existerais

• pour qui: for what

Des passantes endormies dans mes bras

• des: the
• passantes: passer-by
• endormies: asleep
• dans mes bras: in your arms
  

Que je n'aimerais jamais:

• Que: whom
  
• aimerais: love (future tense)
• jamais: never
  whom I'd never love
  

Et si tu n'existais pas

Je ne serais qu'un point de plus

• serais: etre (to be) 's single (Je) present, conditional imperative form
• qu'un: just
  
• I would be but one more point
  

Dans ce monde qui vient et qui va

• vient: go (as in va et vient: coming and going)
  
• qui va: who goes
• Dans: at/in
• In this world that comes and goes
  

Je me sentirais perdu

• perdu: lost
• sentirais: from sentir: to feel. Conditional Je form
  
  

J'aurais besoin de toi

• aurais: would have
• besoin de toi: I would have needed you

Et si tu n'existais pas
Dis-moi comment j'existerais

• Dis-moi: tell me
  
• comment j'existerais: how would I live?
  

Je pourrais faire semblant d'être moi

• pourrais: conditional future tense of Pouvoir: can, may, to be able to
• faire semblant: to pretend
• etre: to be
• moi: me
  

Mais je ne serais pas vrai

• vrai: true
• mais: But!
• serais: to be
• But I cannot be true

Et si tu n'existais pas

Je crois que je l'aurais trouvé

• Crois: croire: believe.
  
• que: whom
• Trouver: to find. Trouve: Je form (present)
• Avoir: to have. The conditional form is aurais.
• I believe what I would have found
  

 Le secret de la vie, le pourquoi

• la vie: the life
• pourquoi: why
• The secrete of live, and why to live
  

 Simplement pour te créer

• creer: to create
• simplement: simply
• Pour: for
  
• Te: means you.
  

 Et pour te regarder

• regarder: to look at "te" means you.
  

Mary knoll blessing

This poem I copied from Elezabeth-Bryer Hospital in Ottawa.

Mary knoll blessing

May you listen deeply, cherishing the richness of voices - soft and strong.

May you never weaver in your pursuit of justice, giving yourself in risk, creativity and thoughtfulness.

May you love god with everything in your heart - be it gladness or doubt, fear or playfulness.

May you love deeply the peoples in your walk.

May they love you.

May you live with a spirit of forgiveness, mending what is broken and bridging what is separate.

May you know your weakness and reverence them as special ways to God's tenderness.

May you remember all the loved ones who have helped fashion your life story.

May you take the sadness in your heart and hold them lightly 'till compassion is born- then may you give your compassion away.

Go gently and joyfully in a spirit of truth, as a witness of god's love.

May God watch over you, Jesus walk with you, and the spirit give you courage.

Go to all the ends of the earth and give life.

Loving Memory of Soul Zeng Wang

Loving Memory of Soulzeng Wang, whose soul has
made life worth living to us. 

       From Dad, Sister and me.

This site is dedicated to the memory of my mother, Soulzeng Wang.

"那落在好土里的，就是人听了道，持守在诚实善良的心里，并且忍耐著结实。” St Luke 8:15

The English version of the article below is EulogyToMomEnglish. As a companion, I wrote WhyBelieve, based on my testimony written June 1994 before I was baptized.

怀念親爱的母親

先慈王守珍女士因癌症扩散, 于2004 年 11月28日下午4时21分在渥太华市Elizabeth-Bruyere医疗中心安息主怀, 享年63岁. 当时陪伴她的有: 她的丈夫, 儿子, 女儿和女婿, 还有教会国语堂的诗班弟兄姊妹.

先慈于1941年9月2日生在四川省彭州市一小商家庭. 1961年成都市省立第15中 高中毕业, 就职于成都市龙泉驿区第一医院. 1966年5月1日嫁随家父曾德宗先生, 育有一儿一女. 她儿女今都成家, 有孙子.孙女及外孙子女各一个.

母親1994年为協助女儿读大学而移居加拿大，住在渥太华市Barrhaven区. 母親平凡一生, 好似“野地的花＂但一直蒙受天父看顾. 今年三月母親在洛杉矶受洗, 成为重生得救的基督徒.

母親一生为人诚恳忠厚,作事专心负责, 吃苦耐劳, 勤俭持家. 对家人细心照料, 对邻舍热忱大方. 好些人, 包括四川老家的亲友, 听到妈妈去世都流泪告诉我妈妈的往事, 这里因时间关系仅从这些感动生命,点点滴滴的插曲中略述一俩件.

下面的故事表现了她对父亲及家人的爱:

我 的祖父,也就是我母親的公公, 因政治犯坐牢多年. 1974年冬天得肺心病, 监狱医院医生发病危书通知家属. 但因怕受牵连, 家人没有敢去探访祖父 (这在文革時代是常见的). 但出于对丈夫的爱, 母親不顾自己前途安危, 头一个跑去看望在病房卧床不起的公公,并倍加服侍.让祖父大受安慰, 也感化了父亲及大伯先后去看望我祖父了. 于是我祖父的求生愿望大增, 很快奇迹般康复出院了.

我母親来加拿大后喜欢种菜. 连续九年瓜菜丰收. 除自用外, 更是分送左邻右舍, 甚至加州的朋友也分到了她所种的冬瓜和种子.

妈

妈烧的川菜名气不小.常有人告诉我:“几年前我吃过你妈妈的川菜，　到现在想起来还流唾液．不知何时还有这样的口福？＂ 今天我会勉励他们:“信主耶稣吧! 以后号角响起时,我们和我母親一同被提后,一定有更好的口福. 因为神应许說:“从东从西、将有许多人来、在天国里与亚伯拉罕、以撒、雅各、一同坐席(太 8:11).“若有听见我声音就开门的、我要进到他那里去、我与他、他与我一同坐席。(启3:20)”况且，天国的宴席绝不会像昨晚加拿大的国宴招待来访 的BUSH总统只限西餐,而无川菜的.

說到食物, 母親成为基督徒之后, 对另一种食物更有兴趣: 那就是属灵的食物.这三个月陪母親与癌症搏斗,见她堅定信靠神的话, 而大得力量. 她每天早晚都在丈夫或儿女陪伴下,读诗篇和其他经文,并按诗篇祷告. 她自始至终都坦然面对死亡. 虽然病魔夺去她肉体,但那美好的仗她已經打過了． 當跑的路她已經跑盡了． 所信的道她已經守住了(提后4:7)． 圣灵所赐給她出人意料的平安, 和那永生的确据,可以勝过苦难輿病痛. 对妈妈而言,“我的肉体、和我的心肠衰残．但 神是我心里的力量、又是我的福分、直到永远。”(詩７３：２５)

当母親知道自己患癌症后, 她内心很坦然. 她对生病并无怨言. 痛得再厉害,她也是默默承受, 不愿惊动他人. 母親的祷告是: 我相信神是可以医好我的; 但不论是生是死, 我都相信耶稣. 从以下这件事可以看到母親的信心:

她睡醒时, 见我的妹妹还在病房陪伴她,就问:“你在看啥? 怎么还没回家?”

妹妹说:“我在读[约伯记]. 我跟约伯一样, 在问神为何让妈妈受这樣的痛苦?”

母親说: “你不要这样责问神. 每个人的寿数都在神的手上. 不管长寿, 或回天家, 都是神所定的. 我们没有什么好抱怨的,也没有什么好害怕的.”看到母親内心非常宁静, 妹妹就得了安慰.

妹妹问:“妈妈, 你怎能这样坚强?”

母親回答說:“我也不晓得为什么? 我信主时间很短,但是圣经上所读的我都记得. 我既选定所信的主耶稣,就当一心信靠, 不摇摆也不放弃.”

妹妹說: “对, 是这样的. 既便我们分离, 那也是短暂的.”

母親又說: “神给每个人的时间都不一样. 神还要用你们. 要坚强活下去. 照管好小孩.”

母親一方面积极配合医生治疗, 一方面不忘关心他人． 有一次王牧师來探访她時，　她正在睡觉.　当她醒来后，就是关心的问：“王牧师，你的血压降下来了吗？”

母 親病中常常有親朋好友, 弟兄姊妹来探访, 包括教会的牧师来为她祝祷. 母親过世那天, 早上下起大雨. 她的气管被痰阻塞, 呼吸大声且吃力. 到下午四点, 国语堂的那四位诗班成员来到病房探访, 大家一起为她唱一首圣诗 “Sing Halleluiah to the Lord". 当唱到第二段时，　她吃力呼吸的声音慢慢降低了．　别人觉得她想睡觉了，　当歌声停下时，　妈妈最后一次张开眼睛，　然后就慢慢停止了呼吸．　奇妙的是, 附近传来大教堂钟楼的一阵优美的钟声, 美丽的晚霞也开始从窗外照进来, 房间里充满了光明宁和的气氛．

母親走完了她美丽的人生路程，静静地去到一个光明宁和的地方．她留下的宝贵财富，就如箴言最后两句话： 艳丽是虚假的．美容是虚浮的．惟敬畏耶和华的妇女、必得称赞。 愿他享受操作所得的．愿他的工作、在城门口荣耀他。（３１：３０－３１）

　　

愿一切荣耀全归给母親所信靠的上帝和祂的儿子主耶稣．

Why I Believe

It seems that my life has been a turbulent journey, full of inner struggles.

I was born in 1967 -- the year Mao's Culture Revolution began. A few days after my birth, the warring Red Guard factions forced Mother to flee the hospital with me in her bosom.

Culture Revolution came hard on my parents, for the simple reason that my grandparents were political prisoners affiliated with KMT. My parents were treated harshly by the local Red Guards. I still recall that, as soon as I began to perceive emotions, I sensed a constant, hovering, thickening layer of stressful, inferior and hopeless feelings projected from my father to me. I was a survivor at 5 or 6, so before long I learnt to take refugee in books and fantasies, my favorite been Andersson Fairy Tales and Ashimov Science fictions, not to mention poetry by 泰戈尔（RabindranathTagore). Looking back, it was mom's love and strength, plus the relief from books and fantasies that my own budding inner world could develope before the harsh environment suffocated it. At that point, I sworn to myself to grow up a man of character strength and moral goodness. My dream was to escape from the totalitarian system to a free world. I thought that if I live in a free society, is well educated and have lots of money, I can realize my dreams.

My intellectual adventures led me, somehow, out of the deprived oppressive environment -- thanks to my father's upbringing, my mother's loving nurture and helps from teachers and friends. I actually did fulfill the three conditions: freedom education and a decent income. Yet, I seem to have discovered on myself more and more character flaws and moral weakness. How come? I was baffled. I tried to find answers in behavioral science, self-help books and psychology. But it seems to be a quicksand in which my soul was drowning. No kidding, I was deeply troubled, depressed, losing hope.

Besides books and philosophy, I also tried sports: trialthlon, half marathon, winter triathlon. They gave me temporary thrills but no lasting answers.

I became more disappointed of myself. My self-esteem began sinking lower and lower in the quicksand. I sought help from a psychological consuling. A lady named Cynthia actually provided a good deal of much appreciated clinical help. But the real question was un-answered. I began to lose purpose, and losing it quickly. I was at my wit's end, unable to sit up in the quicksand.

One day I went to a wedding banquet and met a United Church minister, Rev Wing Mak. He challenged me to turn my eyes to Bible. Prior to that I was drawn to Bible study while attending graduate school in Vancouver. Rev Mak was very nice to me. He filled to some extent a father-like role at that point when my father had been far away, distance-wise, and, more acutely, emotion-wise. Overtime, to my delight I found that reading Bible seemed to make my inner world clear. I learnt that I am one of the sinners made in devine image whom GOd is ready to forgive and take back. This explained why I was foolish to rely on my strength to achieve moral goodness. When I read Bible, not only were there instructions beaching me how to deal with daily practical problems (like re-connect with my estranged father). The mystery of the Bible seemed to be able to bring strange unexplainable joy and peace to my inner self. Joy and peace, how precious to a man in depression! I used to get up every morning, reading Psalm 143 and plea God: may each morning bring me, word of your unfailing love!

Surprisingly, much of my prayers got answered, so in keeping up with my side of the bargain, I somewhat reluctantly submitted to Jesus.

A small act of submission to Jesus brought new life. Trust and obey, there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but trust and obey,

Bible taught me the purpose of life. Rather than relying on my own to become righteous, it is better to trust in the Creator's plan and submit to Jesus for the redemption of my sins. There trully were abundant life when I participate in the worthy cause of being Christ's disciple. Live in Christ is a meaningful one. I only regret that I didn't come to the cross sooner.