Hunger for More

This is the prayer from Jilly Taylor that touched me:

http://www.seedsofthekingdom.com/


Prayer: Lord, please forgive me for filling my life with things that do not really satisfy. I know that You are the only One who truly satisfies my soul. Please increase my hunger for You, and help me to seek You more earnestly for all that You have for me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

updated reflection: 破茧而出

破茧而出 http://lambmusic.org/songs/m_leaving.php

I wrote my testimony in response to the assignment from Sunday sermon last month. This is a story  that spans close to 2 years.

My position at work requires me to introduce architectural changes to a large project, and I encountered a series of setback around early 2014. The change initiative that my team started ran into increasingly strong resistance from several "under the table" forces. Our project could not move forward because of one force and could not go back due to another. We were stuck. I was directly criticized of leading the cross functional teams of many developers into a quagmire.   I felt devastated by the email attacks, for they became too much to endure especially when sent to large distribution lists. I felt those emails shattered my reputation my identity into pieces.

我的工作职位需要我为一个大型的项目引入一个结构上的改变，但我在2014年初经历了一系列的挫折。我的团队开始的改变遇到了几股桌面下的力量的阻挡。其中一股力量抵挡项目不能向前，另一股力量拦住项目的退路，使大家进退两难。有人直接指责我将大家带入了困境。我因为Email上的攻击痛苦不堪，特别是发送到很多收信人的Email让我无法忍受。那些Email感觉摧毁了我的名誉和自我认同。

Worse yet, over time, I lost balance. I began to make more mistakes in the panic situation. I tried to take the matter into my own hands out of desperation; I tried to out-maneuver the others instead of submitting the messy situation to the lordship of Jesus;   doing it my way only made matters more messy, and I felt guilty in addition to injured. The direct consequences were stress, then sleep disorder, then depression eventually anxiety disorders.  I suffered depression before but this was a lot worse, lasting some 1.5+ years. I battled the dark mood futilely. In my distress, I began to withdraw more and more to myself, to hide my pain and shame, invoking familiar defensive mechanisms along the way. I did manage to do one thing right: I kept attending church, church weekly prayer meetings，and played racquetball with Brother racquetball partner followed by him praying for me.

更坏的是，一段时间后我失去了平衡。我开始在恐慌中犯更多的错误。在绝望中我开始用自己的方法来解决问题，想以其人之道还治其人之身。 神说伸冤在我，我偏偏自力逞能， 但以牙还牙将情况变得更坏，使自己既受伤有内疚。结出的后果是常常紧张，重度失眠，导致抑郁症，最后见到凶的同事我大脑就发麻不能运作，就焦虑慌张。我以前有过忧郁症，但这次更加严重，超过了一年半。我与黑暗的情绪争战但毫无功效。在愁苦中我越来越多躲避到自己的世界，来隐藏我的痛苦和羞耻，并且用熟悉的方式自我保护。但我有一件事做对了：我定期去周三祷告会, 周末和Vinson Lee 弟兄打壁球，之后我俩互相祷告。

During this time I went to see many specialist doctors; sought a dozen or so tests to root cause the problems. Nothing helped. I felt so much pain and disgrace yet I could not shed a tear for I just hid in my shell. In retrospect, Ezekiel 11 was written for my situation:  "I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them a heart of flesh (11:19, KJV)".

这段时间里我许多次去看专科医生：神经科检查，精神科检查，内分泌科检查，荷尔蒙检查 ， Toxicology, Oncology, ；做了十几次检查为了找到问题的源头。什么都没有用。我感到许多的痛苦和羞耻但 我没有办法流一滴眼泪，因为我把自己藏在一个躯壳里。回顾起来，以西结书11章就是对我很好的形容：（我要）从他们肉体中除掉石心，赐给他们肉心。

My heart was hardened like a stone by inner fears. The more I worry, the more life seemed to be falling apart. I felt I could not hold down the job and started to envision a new job somewhere else, with less stress. But from past experience I instinctively knew that there were lessons awaiting me before I ran away from the troubles facing me now. Besides, I was in no shape to interview anywhere.

我的心因为内中的恐惧像石头一样坚硬。我越担忧，我的生活就越来越四分五裂。我觉得我不能继续当前的工作，开始想象在别的地方开始一个新的工作，有少一点压力。但从我过往的经验我马上意识到在我从麻烦中跑掉之前这里有我要学的功课。另外，在我失眠的状态下我没法去任何地方面试。

I felt trapped in the harsh relational conflicts, as if in bondage to fears: the fear of more failures, the fear of work place bullies like those in a school playground. I long for restoration of peace and order, but where is it?

我觉得我在严酷的人际关系的冲突中被困住了，就像被惧怕捆绑：惧怕更多的失败，惧怕在工作场所被欺负，惧怕见到同事。我盼望重拾平安和秩序，但哪里有呢？

Around that time, I got help from a church deacon who cared my wife and me immensely. She shared her struggle with depression episodes and her road  to recovery. She highly recommended that I go to London to attend Pierrepont MicroNETS-1 (Never Ever The Same program, Micro version). 

大约哪个时候，我从一位教会执事那里得到了许多帮助，她热心地关怀了我和我太太。她和我分享了她在忧郁症中挣扎和康复的路程。她强烈建议我去伦敦参加Pierrepont MicroNETS-1活动（永远不再一样）

On a side note, my wife consistently diagnosed that my problem is rooted not in chemical imbalance nor childhood trauma, but in structural problems in my spiritual belief. Something wrong with my spiritual life, she believed and she was prepared to arrange child care so she can go to London with me.

另外提一下，我太太坚持认为我的问题的根源不是化学不平衡或者童年的伤害，而是我属灵信仰中的结构性问题。我的属灵生活有了问题。她相信了这个建议，然后就安排了我们孩子的看顾，这样她可以和我一起去伦敦。

I did not believe her but there was nothing to lose. Besides, I knew I came out a better man each time I heeded her advise.

我当时并不相信她，但是我也没有什么好失去的。另外过去我每次听她的建议都非常受益。我母亲多次督促遇到危险和重大决定要听书逸我太太的。

Once Dr Anchi Wang stabilized my sleep disorder with anti depressants, I had enough strength to travel to Pierrepont, London for the 9 day MicroNETS program. I went to Pierrepont hoping to get healed of depression and anxiety,  to sleep without anti-depressant. And I came back full of hope, exhausted but of great spirit.

安琪医生用抗抑郁的药物帮助我控制了失眠后，我就有了足够的力量去伦敦的Pierrepont参加9天的MicroNETS活动。我去了Pierrepont希望能够医治我的抑郁和焦虑，可以不用抗抑郁的药就能睡觉。我回来的时候满有内心宁和盼望，非常疲惫但是精神非常好。

The time at Pierrepont brought cleansing and restoration to my inner being. I dropped the antidepressant Rx drug, Rameron 30mg, that I had been dependent on over the prior 75 days since 5/16/15. I now sleep rather well. Praise the Lord for this healing.

在Pierrepont的时间使我内在的自我得到了洁净和修复。我不再需要抗抑郁的处方药，从15年5月16日开始我有70多天的时间都依赖这个药。现在我睡的很好，感谢神的医治。

Moreover, at the MicroNETS site, Pierrepont, the Holy Spirit bestowed on me joyfully. In one instance, hardly 10 seconds into worship time at 9:45pm, a sense of joy fell on me so strong that I  could hardly hold back tears for ~30 minutes.  Before the trip, I had not been able to shed a tear for more than 1.5 years, and not for the lack of trying. But on that day, for the first time in 1.5+ years,  my heart softened, as if turning from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 11:19).  Those tears were better than strong medication, able to wash away in 30 minutes the shame anguish fears accrued  over 1.5+ years...

另外，在Pierrepont圣灵赐予我喜乐。有一次9:45pm的敬拜开始不到10秒钟，一股强烈的喜乐充满我，我有30分钟不能止住眼泪。这次旅程之前我有一年半的时间不能流泪，并不是我没有试过。但在那一天，一年半的第一次，我的心柔软下来，就好像将一个石心变成了肉心。这些泪水比强效的药还要有效，能够在30分钟内洗去聚集了一年半的羞耻，内疚和恐惧。

Perhaps more profoundly, from Pierrepont trip I began to understand spiritual dynamics. Human relational conflicts at work or elsewhere, I believe, reflect spiritual dynamics as explained in 2 Corinthians 10:4-5: "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds; Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ"

也许更奇妙的是，因为Pierrepont的经历我开始理解属灵的层面。人际关系的冲突，不论是工作场所还是别的地方，都是属灵争战的表现，就像哥林多后书（10:4-5）所讲的，“我们争战的兵器本不是属血气的，乃是在神面前有能力，可以攻破坚固的营垒， 5 将各样的计谋、各样拦阻人认识神的那些自高之事，一概攻破了，又将人所有的心意夺回，使它都顺服基督。”

George always taught us that the first step to maturity and leadership is self-awareness. I now understand that our self-awareness must include spiritual awareness. That is, be aware of the spiritual warfare around us,  and with that awareness yield to the small still voice from the Spirit (1 King 19:12).

朱正中弟兄经常教导我们成熟的第一步是认识自我。我现在明白对自我的认识必须包括属灵的认识。我们必须意识到我们周围灵界的争战，通过这样的意识才能听到神微小的声音。

（“地震后有火，耶和华也不在火中；火后有微小的声音。1 King 19:12”）

This last part is to me the most valuable takeaway. Although current job related people problems persist even deteriorate in some ways, I can now face them from the spiritual angle.

I'm learning to anchor my peace on believing "greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4)".

It is true that we have a superior God. Our God is greater than any other.

最后的这部分是我最宝贵的得着。虽然现在工作中的人的问题还在，而且在一定程度上更坏。但我现在可以从一个属灵的角度来面对。

我在学习将平安扎根在相信，“（小子们哪，你们是属神的，并且胜了他们；）因为那在你们里面的，比那在世界上的更大。1 John 4:4“ 的确，我们有至高真神，能攻破坚营垒，挣脱锁链，释放我脱茧而出。

In closing, I would like to share this verse to encourage those who may be suffering dark moments like I did:

2 Cor 1:3-4:  Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;

Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." 

最后我想分享一段经文来鼓励和曾经的我一样正在经历黑暗的时刻的朋友们：

林后1:3-4：愿颂赞归于我们的主耶稣基督的父神，就是发慈悲的父，赐各样安慰的神！ 4 我们在一切患难中，他就安慰我们，叫我们能用神所赐的安慰去安慰那遭各样患难的人。