During last week's support group meeting, George Chu asked us to reflect on failures in 2011.
Yesterday I had three that demotivated me, threatening to put me down into minor depressions:
1. I promised to finish SMMUv2 Arch Overview by end of this week. I let my mind distracted by other things such as talks about PCIe and BCAST data flow. I got scared that my mind works so out of focus, just like I am an ADD. God, what can I do?
2. I was late for Dr. Gan appointment by 20 minutes. What did I do? I kept trying to write a few more slides in my Arch Overview, procrastinating the scheduled departure.
3. Most importantly, my expectation of getting my ION article published by LWN.net is not going anywhere. I'm scared. What a failure I am!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Finally a Vision for 2nd Half
22 months ago, I wrote down the vision for 2nd half of my services, life as a steward, in Hyderabad, India.
This weekend (Oct 14 and 15), during a Royal Ranger retreat/camp, I re-affirmed this calling, here-in recorded, in 25 words or less:
"Decepted and depressed men touched by the mystery of God's love commit to Biblical values, adopt disciplined ways to relate to God and men, breaking free from self deceptions and addictions."
This weekend (Oct 14 and 15), during a Royal Ranger retreat/camp, I re-affirmed this calling, here-in recorded, in 25 words or less:
"Decepted and depressed men touched by the mystery of God's love commit to Biblical values, adopt disciplined ways to relate to God and men, breaking free from self deceptions and addictions."
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
1 year Expected Results Tracy and Taylor (by Sep 2012)
Tracy:
1. Complete another Summit Leadership Camp.
2. Compete and win in Bible Quiz
3. Stay 95% or higher at MAP and Star tests.
Taylor:
1. Otain Black belt status.
2. Stay 90% or higher at MAP and Star tests.
3. Annie and Joseph come for Christmas.
4. (Added Dec 22, 2011) Read 10000 pages
1. Complete another Summit Leadership Camp.
2. Compete and win in Bible Quiz
3. Stay 95% or higher at MAP and Star tests.
Taylor:
1. Otain Black belt status.
2. Stay 90% or higher at MAP and Star tests.
3. Annie and Joseph come for Christmas.
4. (Added Dec 22, 2011) Read 10000 pages
Friday, July 22, 2011
2008年4月21日是一个转折
2008 年4月, 因评职称我很不高兴.老板给了我很出乎意料的评分 (3/5), 涨薪平平, 而且没有升Senior Staff. 我很难过, 好几天睡不好. 找同事们参谋后我开始上诉. 不料过程漫长.
在痛苦中我的晨更帮了我.很多人都渴望经历神迹, 我很幸运在那时连续四十天清晨得听他慈爱之 言.
2008年4月21日是一个转折.
头天太太和我在RB Sushi 在深谈我如何走出目前的困境. 她暗示我反复强调经历逆境和患难, 而未开口反省我对老板和与我为难的同事不礼貌,骄傲和论断. 这种心态有没有 冒犯老板?
我听了没正面答她. 心里想, 我痛苦万分, 你偏偏还责备我.
可万万没想到21号一大早就读到这段话:
詩 篇 32:3-5
3 我 闭 口 不 认 罪 的 时 候 ， 因 终 日 唉 哼 而 骨 头 枯 乾 。
4 黑 夜 白 日 ， 你 的 手 在 我 身 上 沉 重 ； 我 的 精 液 耗 尽 ， 如 同 夏 天 的 乾 旱 。 （ 细 拉 ）
5 我 向 你 陈 明 我 的 罪 ， 不 隐 瞒 我 的 恶 。 我 说 ： 我 要 向 耶 和 华 承 认 我 的 过 犯 ， 你 就 赦 免 我 的 罪 恶 。
跟老板关系闹僵, 我走出来的两点体会:
- 若我没有反省,纠正自己的态度,还会类似的关系冲突.
- 听太太的feedback时, 不要马上回答.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
明白耶稣的安排
五月二曰礼拜一我开会明 白RICH Stewart will try his best to put the performance team in a new project under Torrey Harmon or Tony Schwartz organizations.
Victor 和我也开始活动，想了解Torrey and Tony organizations' culture: are they working crazy hours?
1. In the modem L1 group, in Tony's line, Vinayak Chowdiah has been for 5 years. He told us the QCT L1 team works 12 hour days. Many burn out and move to QGOV.
2. In the Android Power team, Prasad Herur said he likes his job supporting many lines of Android phones: 40+. Works 10 hours days plus weekends. He told Victor he is on-call in evenings. His lead is reachable weekends too, much like target teams. I called Frank Zhang, who introduced me to Zhang Jun (Zhang, Xuejun). Jun called me yesterday (Friday) for ~40 minutes. Looks like he is evaluating me. He is very open. He visited HTC last month. He is Power Team. His team works with India in a 24-hour mode.
Victor found that Johny John in QCT Architecture group, parallel to Idris Mir, has just openned 10 reqs last week, for SW architecture people with power and performance focuses.
Victor asked me to try. We went to get RIch's permission first. Rich said it is important we make up our mind this time, in stead of changing after 3 month. He said we could send an email to Mark Guzzi to look for Architecture work.
I spent 2 hours updating resume to send to Mark Guzzi.
太多路， 太不确定， 我很七上八下。
Amazingly, this morning devotion brought comfort, great comfort:
3:3 不 可 使 慈 愛 誠 實 離 開 你 ． 要 繫 在 你 頸 項 上 、 刻 在 你 心 版 上 ．
3:4 這 樣 、 你 必 在 神 和 世 人 眼 前 蒙 恩 寵 、 有 聰 明 。
3:5 你 要 專 心 仰 賴 耶 和 華 、 不 可 倚 靠 自 己 的 聰 明 ．
3:6 在 你 一 切 所 行 的 事 上 、 都 要 認 定 他 、 他 必 指 引 你 的 路 。
3:7 不 要 自 以 為 有 智 慧 ． 要 敬 畏 耶 和 華 、 遠 離 惡 事 ．
Victor and I did two things right: we both committed 100% to obey. We prayed earnestly together, for 40 minutes, and 10 minutes on Wed and Friday.
The 3rd step is to not make a decision until I have inquired of the Lord.
Though we didn't hear Angel's words to say Tony, Torrey or Gil, I know that I am to just live my life committed to Him; trust Him, and acknowledge Him when I have an impulse to move in one way or another direction.
Victor 和我也开始活动，想了解Torrey and Tony organizations' culture: are they working crazy hours?
1. In the modem L1 group, in Tony's line, Vinayak Chowdiah has been for 5 years. He told us the QCT L1 team works 12 hour days. Many burn out and move to QGOV.
2. In the Android Power team, Prasad Herur said he likes his job supporting many lines of Android phones: 40+. Works 10 hours days plus weekends. He told Victor he is on-call in evenings. His lead is reachable weekends too, much like target teams. I called Frank Zhang, who introduced me to Zhang Jun (Zhang, Xuejun). Jun called me yesterday (Friday) for ~40 minutes. Looks like he is evaluating me. He is very open. He visited HTC last month. He is Power Team. His team works with India in a 24-hour mode.
Victor found that Johny John in QCT Architecture group, parallel to Idris Mir, has just openned 10 reqs last week, for SW architecture people with power and performance focuses.
Victor asked me to try. We went to get RIch's permission first. Rich said it is important we make up our mind this time, in stead of changing after 3 month. He said we could send an email to Mark Guzzi to look for Architecture work.
I spent 2 hours updating resume to send to Mark Guzzi.
太多路， 太不确定， 我很七上八下。
Amazingly, this morning devotion brought comfort, great comfort:
3:3 不 可 使 慈 愛 誠 實 離 開 你 ． 要 繫 在 你 頸 項 上 、 刻 在 你 心 版 上 ．
3:4 這 樣 、 你 必 在 神 和 世 人 眼 前 蒙 恩 寵 、 有 聰 明 。
3:5 你 要 專 心 仰 賴 耶 和 華 、 不 可 倚 靠 自 己 的 聰 明 ．
3:6 在 你 一 切 所 行 的 事 上 、 都 要 認 定 他 、 他 必 指 引 你 的 路 。
3:7 不 要 自 以 為 有 智 慧 ． 要 敬 畏 耶 和 華 、 遠 離 惡 事 ．
Victor and I did two things right: we both committed 100% to obey. We prayed earnestly together, for 40 minutes, and 10 minutes on Wed and Friday.
The 3rd step is to not make a decision until I have inquired of the Lord.
Though we didn't hear Angel's words to say Tony, Torrey or Gil, I know that I am to just live my life committed to Him; trust Him, and acknowledge Him when I have an impulse to move in one way or another direction.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
renew my vows to Jesus
Today I came across a verse that I used to pledge to God:
Psalm 119:71:
119:71 我 受 苦 是 與 我 有 益 、 為 要 使 我 學 習 你 的 律 例 。
119:72 你 口 中 的 訓 言 、 與 我 有 益 、 勝 於 千 萬 的 金 銀 。
Psalm 119:71:
119:71 我 受 苦 是 與 我 有 益 、 為 要 使 我 學 習 你 的 律 例 。
119:72 你 口 中 的 訓 言 、 與 我 有 益 、 勝 於 千 萬 的 金 銀 。
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Motive That Lasts
this is my draft email reply to Brother George Chu:
Thanks for your encouragement. Motivation does make a difference. I want to chime in with my first hand experience. Growing up in the post-culture revolution era, my motives had been shaped by the harsh society. Motivation is to survive, to survie means to get ahead of others. This singular motive worked well at the time, but things have changed. As you explained in your recent lectures, character-centered value system can motivate us far better for the modern day work place, because of 3 main things: it builds trust, it gets the results, it begets win-win mindset.
If my motives are centered to compete and get ahead, I may lose it when the going gets tough, such as during life's inevitable set backs. I just experienced such a set-back.
Last year, I traveled every other week for 6 months on a big project. When the project failed, everyone felt a big set back. Some team mates left as well: a big blow to my ego.
Regrets began to get the better part of me. From time to time, in early morning hours, I would wake up and question what I could have done to save the project. More over, I started to feel hopeless for the future.
Deep down I struggled to motivate myself. My natural reactions kept pulling me down-spiral. Around that time, I had the fortune to attend your lectures on proactiveness, especially your emphasis on the freedom to intercept between an event and our reactions. Freedom to choose. Choose to fight the odds. Some people do not see the reason to fight on, though.
You shared with us that your motivate since early days has been to honor God at work. I was fortunate to have a co-work with this same mentality.
Proverbs say: an iron sharpens another iron. Because of my co-worker, I gradually changed my attitude towards the set back. I can accept that my painful set back will someday be used to benefit others, to purify my hidden motives and purge inner trash through firey trials, or to achieve other higher purpose that I don't yet understand. My motivation at work can be to serve as a faithful stewart, regardless of external recognitions.
A set back can be turned around if we possess the attitude to suffer the set backs in the right way - an honorable way, as I learnt from the book, "Men's Search for Meaning", by Viktor Frankle.
An example of Frankl's idea of finding meaning in the midst of extreme suffering is found in his account of an experience he had while working in the harsh conditions of the Auschwitz concentration camp:
... We stumbled on in the darkness, over big stones and through large puddles, along the one road leading from the camp. The accompanying guards kept shouting at us and driving us with the butts of their rifles. Anyone with very sore feet supported himself on his neighbor's arm. Hardly a word was spoken; the icy wind did not encourage talk. Hiding his mouth behind his upturned collar, the man marching next to me whispered suddenly: "If our wives could see us now! I do hope they are better off in their camps and don't know what is happening to us."
That brought thoughts of my own wife to mind. And as we stumbled on for miles, slipping on icy spots, supporting each other time and again, dragging one another up and onward, nothing was said, but we both knew: each of us was thinking of his wife. Occasionally I looked at the sky, where the stars were fading and the pink light of the morning was beginning to spread behind a dark bank of clouds. But my mind clung to my wife's image, imagining it with an uncanny acuteness. I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look. Real or not, her look was then more luminous than the sun which was beginning to rise.
A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth -- that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way – an honorable way – in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the words, "The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory...."
真正的生活是内心生活。
Thanks for your encouragement. Motivation does make a difference. I want to chime in with my first hand experience. Growing up in the post-culture revolution era, my motives had been shaped by the harsh society. Motivation is to survive, to survie means to get ahead of others. This singular motive worked well at the time, but things have changed. As you explained in your recent lectures, character-centered value system can motivate us far better for the modern day work place, because of 3 main things: it builds trust, it gets the results, it begets win-win mindset.
If my motives are centered to compete and get ahead, I may lose it when the going gets tough, such as during life's inevitable set backs. I just experienced such a set-back.
Last year, I traveled every other week for 6 months on a big project. When the project failed, everyone felt a big set back. Some team mates left as well: a big blow to my ego.
Regrets began to get the better part of me. From time to time, in early morning hours, I would wake up and question what I could have done to save the project. More over, I started to feel hopeless for the future.
Deep down I struggled to motivate myself. My natural reactions kept pulling me down-spiral. Around that time, I had the fortune to attend your lectures on proactiveness, especially your emphasis on the freedom to intercept between an event and our reactions. Freedom to choose. Choose to fight the odds. Some people do not see the reason to fight on, though.
You shared with us that your motivate since early days has been to honor God at work. I was fortunate to have a co-work with this same mentality.
Proverbs say: an iron sharpens another iron. Because of my co-worker, I gradually changed my attitude towards the set back. I can accept that my painful set back will someday be used to benefit others, to purify my hidden motives and purge inner trash through firey trials, or to achieve other higher purpose that I don't yet understand. My motivation at work can be to serve as a faithful stewart, regardless of external recognitions.
A set back can be turned around if we possess the attitude to suffer the set backs in the right way - an honorable way, as I learnt from the book, "Men's Search for Meaning", by Viktor Frankle.
An example of Frankl's idea of finding meaning in the midst of extreme suffering is found in his account of an experience he had while working in the harsh conditions of the Auschwitz concentration camp:
... We stumbled on in the darkness, over big stones and through large puddles, along the one road leading from the camp. The accompanying guards kept shouting at us and driving us with the butts of their rifles. Anyone with very sore feet supported himself on his neighbor's arm. Hardly a word was spoken; the icy wind did not encourage talk. Hiding his mouth behind his upturned collar, the man marching next to me whispered suddenly: "If our wives could see us now! I do hope they are better off in their camps and don't know what is happening to us."
That brought thoughts of my own wife to mind. And as we stumbled on for miles, slipping on icy spots, supporting each other time and again, dragging one another up and onward, nothing was said, but we both knew: each of us was thinking of his wife. Occasionally I looked at the sky, where the stars were fading and the pink light of the morning was beginning to spread behind a dark bank of clouds. But my mind clung to my wife's image, imagining it with an uncanny acuteness. I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look. Real or not, her look was then more luminous than the sun which was beginning to rise.
A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth -- that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way – an honorable way – in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the words, "The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory...."
真正的生活是内心生活。
Monday, April 25, 2011
Cast My Burden on the Lord
This past weekend was the holy Passover and Passion weekend, during which I taught a Track 1 class on Psalm 139. I am grateful I grew stronger out of the preparation and teaching experience.
Since I told Pastor Dora on April 19 that I am suffering a minor depression, I have experienced healing power, in some mysterious ways. The breakthrough was the words from "Praying to the Names of God", page 38, as recorded in my blog 4/22/2011.
The message was reinforced during Sat accountability group. The sharing of hearts brought a sense of freedom, reduced my loneliness. I made commitment to serve Sat mission. I now understand that the way up is to seek first His kingdom and his righteousness. Also on 4/23 Sat, the title of my daily devotion is amazingly fitting: "The cure for depression", Psalm 43:5.
On 4/24 Sunday service, I received 3rd affirmation, when the message covered the verse 2 Cor. 4:17 that I prepared for Sunday school an hour later.
I believe my 4th affirmation is Psalm 51:12. Sins robbed me of the joy of salvation. Two items I will deal with:
1. I tend to have tiger head, snake tail.
2. I tend to develop the negative attitude based on imaginative fears.
On the caution side, I still feel a little bit anxiety in ~5am this morning. My inner world is not completely peaceful.
Today I received another affirmation, let's call it No. 5. Wisdom For Today:
"Peace comes when we turn those overwhelming issues over to God and cease trying to dictate the outcome. ... You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You Isaiah 26:3. But if I am trying to maneuver a situation to gain the outcome I desire, I will have distress."
Circumstances are not the key, God cares much more to build up my relationship with Him, just like Summer 2008.
Since I told Pastor Dora on April 19 that I am suffering a minor depression, I have experienced healing power, in some mysterious ways. The breakthrough was the words from "Praying to the Names of God", page 38, as recorded in my blog 4/22/2011.
The message was reinforced during Sat accountability group. The sharing of hearts brought a sense of freedom, reduced my loneliness. I made commitment to serve Sat mission. I now understand that the way up is to seek first His kingdom and his righteousness. Also on 4/23 Sat, the title of my daily devotion is amazingly fitting: "The cure for depression", Psalm 43:5.
On 4/24 Sunday service, I received 3rd affirmation, when the message covered the verse 2 Cor. 4:17 that I prepared for Sunday school an hour later.
I believe my 4th affirmation is Psalm 51:12. Sins robbed me of the joy of salvation. Two items I will deal with:
1. I tend to have tiger head, snake tail.
2. I tend to develop the negative attitude based on imaginative fears.
On the caution side, I still feel a little bit anxiety in ~5am this morning. My inner world is not completely peaceful.
Today I received another affirmation, let's call it No. 5. Wisdom For Today:
"Peace comes when we turn those overwhelming issues over to God and cease trying to dictate the outcome. ... You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You Isaiah 26:3. But if I am trying to maneuver a situation to gain the outcome I desire, I will have distress."
Circumstances are not the key, God cares much more to build up my relationship with Him, just like Summer 2008.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Goals for Taylor and Tracy May 2011
Tracy's goals:
1. to score 95% or better in STAR and MAP tests.
2. Win a free book by scoring 10 of 10 in a weekly math quiz
3. Finish the 1st chapter of New Elementary Mathematics Syllabus D: Whole Numbers.
4. Start chapter 2: Fractions, Decimals and Approximation
5. Finish Intensive Practice 6A and the remainder of 6B
Taylor's goal in May 2011:
1. to score 90% in STAR and MAP tests.
2. To go to Disneyland.
3. Read two more Redwall series of books, The Bell Maker (book 7, 900L in Lexile.com score) and the Outcast of Redwall (book 8)
4. Conquor the octopus in Lego Starwar Clone War.
6. Finish Intensive Practice 3b (done, the rest too hard) and Challenging Word Problems Grade 3.
(may be for June 7. Challenging Word Problems 3)
1. to score 95% or better in STAR and MAP tests.
2. Win a free book by scoring 10 of 10 in a weekly math quiz
3. Finish the 1st chapter of New Elementary Mathematics Syllabus D: Whole Numbers.
4. Start chapter 2: Fractions, Decimals and Approximation
5. Finish Intensive Practice 6A and the remainder of 6B
Taylor's goal in May 2011:
1. to score 90% in STAR and MAP tests.
2. To go to Disneyland.
3. Read two more Redwall series of books, The Bell Maker (book 7, 900L in Lexile.com score) and the Outcast of Redwall (book 8)
4. Conquor the octopus in Lego Starwar Clone War.
6. Finish Intensive Practice 3b (done, the rest too hard) and Challenging Word Problems Grade 3.
(may be for June 7. Challenging Word Problems 3)
Friday, April 22, 2011
I can overcome depression
In the last 4 months or so, I have slipped into a mild depression for various reasons of stresses at work and home.
Today's devotion convinced me I can overcome this depression.
How?
page 38 of Ann Spangler: Praying the Names of God.
El Roi - The God who sees me.
"If I am feeling weak in the face of life's challenges, the best way to grow strong is to strengthen my commitment to Christ. Decide to obey fully, to follow completely, and to keep my eyes fastened on him. Let El Roi take pleasure as he watches over me, and I will soon find my heart stronger and my confidence deeper without quite knowing how it happened."
Mystery of the Spiritual things.
Today's devotion convinced me I can overcome this depression.
How?
page 38 of Ann Spangler: Praying the Names of God.
El Roi - The God who sees me.
"If I am feeling weak in the face of life's challenges, the best way to grow strong is to strengthen my commitment to Christ. Decide to obey fully, to follow completely, and to keep my eyes fastened on him. Let El Roi take pleasure as he watches over me, and I will soon find my heart stronger and my confidence deeper without quite knowing how it happened."
Mystery of the Spiritual things.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
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